Multiverse News

The North Forester County School Board Ethics Committee has forwarded its ethics report for school board member Chet Addison to the school board for action. Mr. Addison has angered many of his constituents after the local newspaper investigated his claims regarding his history in the county, financial status, religion, and several other matters. In its report, the ethics committee found that Addison made many false and dubious claims and may have misused election campaign funds. Mr. Addison's campaign web site claims that he is a billionaire with total assets valued at more than $2.6B, which includes his primary residence currently located in the Happy Hills Trailer Park and his 2005 GMC pickup truck. His educational background lists many advanced degrees from Harvard, Yale, and Cornell. His current employer, All-State Recycling, shared his employment application, which lists only his degree from Harvard. Harvard University has no record of his attendance there. Sheriff Jefferson Banks stated that Mr. Addison reported being chased by alien spacecraft at least twice to avoid a speeding ticket, was arrested while naked on three occasions protesting outside the local pizza restaurant against their use of Canadian bacon and Italian sausage, called 911 on his 90-year old neighbor, Clara Thompson, for “snoring loud enough to ruin his buzz”, and had to be restrained by deputies during a raucous school board meetings over gender-neutral bathrooms. Mr. Addison has claimed in several media interviews to be a Catholic, Hasidic Jew, Baptist, Zoroastrian, and a current president of the Jim Bakker Fan Club. The Everyman's Action Committee to Elect Chet Addison (EAC-ECA or “Eek-Ecka”), raised only $124.35 according to campaign finance reporting. However, that money is unaccounted for though widely suspected to have been used to pay a bar tab. At the next school board meeting, a debate and vote on expulsion of Mr. Addison is on the agenda. Three board members have signaled their intentions to keep Addison on the board by filibuster. They plan to read the objectionable parts from some of the 368 books they have banned this year.