House Republicans, liars by trade, based their Biden-Ukraine conspiracy theory on information from an FBI confidential informant. The informant, whose name we learned after his recent arrest, is Alexander Smirnov, a probable Russian plant with a mission to embarrass the Bidens or the Republicans or both. Thankfully, the quick-witted, though slow-reacting FBI was on the case taking almost four years to check the information provided by Smirnov on a government form used by FBI agents to record raw, unverified information from confidential sources, form FD-1023. House Republicans considered that FD-1023 form full of valuable and trustworthy information on which to launch a full-scale House committee investigation of the Biden family. When the FBI did get around to validating the information provided by Smirnov, it became obvious that the information did not make much sense. There are the bribery allegations, of course, but also the claims of President Biden's childhood teddy bear obsession which has led to Hunter Biden's penchant for Beanie Babies, Joe Biden's birth certificatex which shows that he is 102 years old, and Dr. Jill Biden's recipe for Death by Chocolate cake that has killed at least three people and was covered up by the Attorney General. With Smirnov arrested and his information highly suspect, it seems that foundation of the House Republicans case against the Biden family seems shaky.
President Biden is expected to sign the Build Back Better Americans bill into law tomorrow afternoon after much negotiation and wrangling in Congress. This law is expected to cost $10T over the next five years but lower the cost of human biomechanical implants and enhancements for those in need. The costs of biomechanical replacement organs have tripled since FDA approvals. The average lifetime costs of the replacement organ and implants is now well over $1.3M. The law will also accelerate the medical and surgical training programs for implanting these devices using home services. Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, Amazon, and Google have all increased their product research and development investments for organ replacements and implants. Apple is said to be secretly working on products as well. The Apple iBall was new product category for enhanced vision, bringing sight to the blind and augmented reality to sighted people. Now, Apple is rumored to be working on a new liver product that can completely replace the human liver and carry out the 500 separate liver functions controlled through a user's iPhone Health app plus added features for superior alcohol absorption, allowing users to consume many alcoholic drinks with no more than a minor buzz. Google's focus has been on computer-brain interfaces, with a Matrix-style interface that uses a long probe inserted into an installed port at the back of the skull, popular among the Matrix trilogy fans. Many cash-strapped hospitals are gearing up for the expected boom of patients seeking implants and organ replacements soon after the law goes into effect. Amazon.com will offer simple shopping for medical implants, organ replacements, and wetware products. Amazon Home Services will offer installation procedures in the comfort one's home. Amazon Prime will supply music, movie, and show content for Prime-compatible wetware products.
Nutella, the chocolaty spread made with hazelnuts, cocoa and, a ridiculous amount of sugar, has been recalled throughout North America. Ferrero, the Italian maker of Nutella, said in a statement that while they maintain strict tracing of their hazelnut supply, the hazelnuts sourced for processing in North America were not actually hazelnuts—they were Brazil nuts. The switch was believed to have been orchestrated by a disgruntled Brazilian employee as an elaborate joke. Several consumers that purchased the Brazil nut version of Nutella reported the different taste but complimented the company on the new flavor. An unnamed source in the marketing department at Ferrero indicated that the recalled products will be relabeled as a new version of Nutella. Early market studies are showing promise for this new version of Nutella, which hasn't changed since 1964, except for that time in 2017 when the company changed the recipe and consumers revolted. Ferrero hasn’t decided on a product name yet. Some ideas being considered include Nutella II, Brazilian Nut-ella, and New Nutella—in an homage to New Coke. The Italian Hazelnut Producers Association, a known front for the Foggian Mafia in Italy, has already started pressuring the company to remain true to its family roots or else face brutal hazelnut supply consequences.
The previous host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, Jon Stewart, has returned to late night television as an old man seeking to reclaim his glory by spending his time this year focused on complaining about two other old men, one that when asked about some documents couldn't recall the details about them and the other one is the current President. The parallels of Mr. Stewart's return to television mirror the attempted return to former glory for former president Donald Trump. Unfortunately, the ravages of time and the change from TV viewers to TikTok and YouTube viewers have limited Mr. Stewart to only appearing one time a week and only under close doctor supervision instead of four times a week as he was able to do as much younger man when he first hosted the show. In his first show back, Mr. Stewart spent most of his time focused on the various gaffes, memory problems, depositions, poor choice of words, and general complaints of Biden and Trump and forced his fellow correspondents to support his gerontological assertions about these older men. At times, Mr. Stewart seemed to be confused, mixing up his own return to the show with the potential return of Trump or Biden for a second term. He was also surprised by the sudden appearance of one of the correspondents, a man who had been sitting near him since the start of the show. Overall, it was a rough start to a one-night a week hosting opportunity on this serious news program. Perhaps, Mr. Stewart is using his time on TV to jump into the presidential race as an independent candidate. If true, then voters would then have to choose between three white old guys, instead of two, leading to a more diverse political representation for old white guys and an even harder decision at the ballot box.
R&B legend Usher performed in a Las Vegas concert at Allegiant Stadium to a sold-out crowd. Although his music career has been on a downward slide, his business sense has not. Usher used his connections in sports to increase ticket sales and ticket prices by holding the concert in the middle of a minor sporting event. Fans of R&B and pop music came for the concert of a lifetime and stayed to see the final game of the National Football League season. Usher also brought along some fellow musicians to ensure an enjoyable, if not chaotic, show. Usher was joined by Alicia Keys, Ludacris, will.i.am, Lil John, and others to help him remember the lyrics to his own songs and to perform while Usher “took a breather” offstage before continuing the short but slightly memorable performance. Taylor Swift, a singer-songwriter declining in popularity but a huge Usher fan, was spotted in the crowd. Ms. Swift was able to afford the extremely expensive concert ticket price, which was a good thing since her boyfriend was also playing in the game before and after Usher's show. Taylor Swift's boyfriend's team won in overtime, but by that point most of the crowd had left after Usher's performance.
As Trump heads toward a certain match-up with President Biden in the November election, the former president has encouraged Russia's Vladimir Putin to start World War III by attacking NATO allies in Europe. Trump made these claims in a two-hour speech in South Carolina while seeking a primary win in that state. Nikki Haley, his Republican opponent in the primary, the former governor of South Carolina, Trump's Ambassador to the United Nations, and the younger female option compared to the two grumpy old senile white guys fighting over the presidency, condemned the speech as a Russia-driven plot to help re-elect Trump much like Russia's interference in the 2016 election of Trump. Kremlin observers note that Putin is using his significant intelligence resources to manipulate Trump and voters to ensure his re-election as President. Another World War would allow Russia to expand its territory and capture more desirable countries in Europe. In his speech, Trump claimed that as President he would sit this war out, despite NATO treaty obligations, and encourage Russia “to do whatever the hell they want.” In a press conference in Moscow, Russia claimed that they have no interest in most of Europe currently. The spokesperson said that they have been eyeing Southern Europe along the Mediterranean coast for some vacation spots and war gaming those options, but emphatically stated the rest of Europe wasn't that interesting. Many of the delinquent NATO members starting cutting checks for their NATO member club account to avoid being in arrears. President Biden claimed that NATO has a special place in his heart, and then claimed that many previous presidents store their classified documents in the garage and that is “just normal”. Trump's speech also touched on several other hot-button items like diet soda versus sugar-free sodas, when did touching a woman inappropriately become rape and then defamation, the Navy's submarines are running over dolphins in Florida, Mar-a-Lago is now worth 3.3 billion dollars after a real estate assessment, and New York City needs a new Statue of Liberty since the current one is too green. In a recent poll on likely presidential vote results, the winner would be “None of the above” by 24 points.
Gerard DeCosta, a construction worker, revealed that he buried a Kansas City Chiefs flag in concrete at the Las Vegas Raiders new home at Allegiant Stadium to forever curse the Raiders. This “offense” was designed to specifically influence the outcome of Superbowl LVIII where the Chiefs will take on the San Francisco 49ers on Sunday. DeCosta, apparently also a clairvoyant construction worker with precognition capabilities, designed this plan during construction of the stadium in order to place bets on the outcome of the game and various in-play bets to which he has already “seen” the outcome. The flag was planted merely to generate social media interest, raise the total pool of money used in betting, and make DeCosta's private island dream a reality. NFL analysts have also taken a deep look into other curses and NFL rivalries. When Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis was under construction, the Houston Texans arranged for a bronze statue of their quarterback, Matt Schaub, to be encased in concrete under the fifty-yard line. The Colts still lead the series, which may be attributed to the Peyton Manning statue outside Lucas Oil Stadium counteracting the Straub one. The “Battle of Ohio” included some underhanded dealings between the head coach of the Cincinnati Bengals, Paul Brown, and his former team the Cleveland Browns. In revenge for getting fired, Coach Brown arranged to the have the orange dye used in creation of Browns uniforms to be cursed by a local shaman at the factory where the dye was created. To prevent similar effects from their own orange dye being cursed, the same shaman conducts a ritual to remove any curses. The Bengals led the series, and the shaman is a very rich man. The Atlanta Falcons and the New Orleans Saints are rivals with a tie in regular season play. This tie might be explained by the falcon that made its home on the roof of the Louisiana Superdome and the bowl of jambalaya, Louisiana Creole cuisine, that was accidentally dropped into a concrete mixer during construction of the Mercedes-Benz Stadium.
Citing rising political tensions and threats of violence, the US State Department issue a travel warning to avoid the United States as a travel destination. It is highly usual for a country to warn cash-laden tourists seeking adventure in a foreign land from visiting their own tourist traps, unlicensed souvenir shops, hours long lines for two minutes of fun, and overpriced hotels and resorts all designed to lighten the cash carried by weary tourists. While the State Department cited crime statistics from the Federal Bureau of Investigation showing declining crime rates across the US, it describes rising tensions between political activists, militias, home-grown domestic terrorist groups. Two factors driving the travel warning are politically motivated violence and the guns. As 2024 is an election year with two elderly senile candidates and a comparatively young lady running for president, the political battles may spill out onto the streets as actual violence. The January 6, 2021, insurrection targeting the US Capitol Building was listed as primary motivating event driving further political violence. The omnipresence of guns in the US was the second warning. In the United States it is not uncommon to see elementary children openly carrying handguns, middle schoolers shooting into the air at recess to celebrate good test scores, and high school students with gun racks in their trucks. The Walt Disney corporation immediately sued the State Department to take down the travel warning citing potential financial losses to its expensive travel destinations in Florida and California. The Michigan Militia, an anti-government paramilitary group in the state of Michigan, publicly applauded the State Department for deterring more foreigners away from visiting the United States.
A Marine Corps CH-53E Super Stallion helicopter, an aircraft designed to fly in adverse weather conditions, landed in Walmart parking lot not because of severe weather but because the pilot and Marines aboard were hungry and needed to make a stop for provisions. The parking lot at the Walmart Supercenter in El Cajon, CA served as a large open space to land a very large helicopter next to several RVs also parked there. The pilot executed a perfect landing and the Marines exited the helicopter quickly and secured the perimeter. Once the onlookers from the RVs had been searched and disarmed, the Marines and the pilot made their way to a nearby Panda Express for lunch. Upon returning to the helicopter, the pilot found that the aircraft had been ticketed for parking without a special permit and had a large parking boot attached to one of the wheels. The began making phone calls to get the parking boot removed while the Marines practiced close quarters combat as they entered the Walmart to buy snacks and drinks. Sensing trouble with his commanders and a mountain of paperwork in his future, the pilot decided not turn in an expense report for the Chinese lunch, not pay the parking ticket using his Marine Corps issued corporate American Express card, and encouraged the Marines to practice a retreat from the Walmart as if under fire for “training purposes”. The helicopter returned to Miramar only 45 minutes overdue. The Commandant of the Marine Corp demoted the pilot to co-pilot and the Marines all back to privates. The city council of El Cajon quickly enacted an ordinance banning helicopters from landing in any parking lot within city limits. The local air ambulance service has requested an exemption, but that request is pending a hostile and skeptical review by the council.
Octopuses everywhere are protesting recent plans announced by Nueva Pescanova to create a farm to grow and harvest octopuses for seafood. Many octopuses have been seen forming picket lines along reefs, carrying protest signs, climbing onto fishing boats and spraying ink at fishermen, and standing in their gardens on two limbs and gesticulating wildly with the other six. Nueva Pescanova claims that the intelligence of octopuses has never been proven, but their tastiness has been. In their announcement, they also provided a series of octopus recipes to entice more octopus (food) lovers but angering more octopus (animal) lovers. A spokes-topus with an untranslatable name but using “Eighth Street Flow” as its English rapper alias used Google Translate to send a message to the world. Unfortunately, the translator did not accurately translate the language of octopus very well. Language experts that studied the message believe that the octopuses have declared war on pescetarians everywhere and those that enable them (i.e., fishermen and fishmongers). Some protest signs carried by octopuses were written in English and included “Maze solvers don't go well with maize!”, “My Best Friend is a Hungry Shark!”, “I can grow new arms. How 'bout you?”, “New TV Show: Are you smarter than an octopus!“, and “You change clothes. I changed colors!” There have been several reports of thousands of octopuses massing just offshore of several large cities. So far, it seems to be a peaceful protest. The US Coast Guard is on high alert for attacks and is looking to capture the octopus protest leaders.