The Purple Tomato is the first a series of tomatoes to be grown in a variety of colors and flavors. Using genes from a snapdragon flower for color, flipping some DNA “switches” in the tomato plant, and a bacterium as the delivery driver for the DNA, biochemists at Norfolk Plant Sciences created a purple tomato that can add years to your life, if you like the combination of purple foods, tomatoes, and anthocyanins. The seeds for purple tomatoes are available to home gardeners. The company also announced early work on more tomato varieties too. A blue-colored and blueberry-flavored tomato is planned for release this year. There is also a peached-colored but cinnamon-flavored tomato for Fall. Funding research in genetically modified tomatoes is expensive, so Norfolk Plant Sciences has partnered with other companies to develop and release unconventional tomatoes. A 7-Eleven Slurpee-inspired tomato called MTN DEW Pitch Black features a black color and flavor of Mountain Dew and Dark Citrus Punch. This tomato will also be main ingredient in a “healthier” version of a Slurpee sold at 7-Elevens world-wide and will be released in a joint promotion for the “Bad Boys 4” movie in June. Working with Starbucks, Norfolk developed a dark brown tomato that tastes like a Starbucks Medium Roast Pike Place coffee with Oleato Golden Foam and a mocha drizzle. They are also working on a tomato with white skin and red flecks that tastes like Peppermint White Chocolate Mocha Frappuccino. Unfortunately, it tastes more like a Dunkin' Iced Coffee with Skim Milk and a Pink Velvet Swirl, leading to customer confusion and likely legal action. Norfolk claims that the taste issue will be corrected soon, and the tomato will be ready for the winter holiday season.
In a public announcement late Sunday, Boeing apologized for the recent problems with the 737 Max 9 plane and pointed the finger at Geoffrey Stuart Masters, Jr., an assembly line worker. According to the details provided in the announcement, “Stu”, as his fellow assembly line workers call to him whenever he enters a room or factory floor, is a jovial twenty-seven-year veteran of the Boeing company, has been part of the assembly of 747, 777, and 737 planes, is a member of the International Association of Machinists and Aerospace Workers, and has failed to file accurate inspection reports related to bolts on door plugs. This announcement comes on the heels of several lawsuits filed since the additional escape door was unintentionally opened during a flight in January. That problem was caused by loose or missing bolts to hold that additional escape door in place. Apparently Alaska Airlines also forgot to pay for the additional safety feature of “bolt tightening” when it ordered the planes. In the announcement, Boeing clearly indicated that it chose not to fire Stu and instead will send him through a training program for “bolt tension and tightening” and “report filing” courses to address the issues. There is no mention of whether Stu's union membership was a factor in the decision. In interviews with other assembly workers though, no one named “Stu” is known to exist leading to speculation that Stu was invented by the company to redirect blame for corporate mismanagement, quality control problems, and lackadaisical assembly techniques and oversight from Boeing's corporate leaders. Boeing's stock price rose 3% before the Monday morning exchange opening on the announcement.
Artemis 2 is set to launch a new era of space travel and hospitality as NASA officially enters the space tourism race. The original Artemis mission was originally set to focus on the Moon. However with changes in NASA leadership with a focus on profitability, funding cuts from Congress, and renewed interest in bucket-list travel by Americans, NASA is now focused on the lucrative market for space tourism. The Space Launch System (SLS), a super heavy-lift launch vehicle, brings to space the initial stages of the giant Trump Space hotel and Astro Conference Center. Both Blue Origin and SpaceX have started their first sets of space launches to build competing hotel chains. Blue Origin and Marriott have partnered on a large hotel complex with amazing views of the Earth and positioned near the International Space Station with various tour packages available. SpaceX is designing a hotel and waterpark with Great Wolf Lodge. Elon Musk has tasked the engineering teams with the almost insurmountable challenge of managing water flow in microgravity. The SpaceX marketing campaign to generate fervent interest and first 10,000 customers committing to pay $250,000 each was launched before the initial designs were started.
Always facing away from the Earth, the far side of the Moon is often a mystery. We Earth-bound humans never see that far side of the Moon because the Earth and the Moon are tidally locked—a cruel trick of physics conspiring against us to prevent us from experiencing a different view each moonrise. The new US Space Force has already set its sights on planting its flag on the far side with a new secret base. In an announcement yesterday, a spokesperson laid out the details of the secret base with launches starting soon too meet an aggressive construction schedule. While the Moon Treaty, which the US did not ratify, bans any military use of the Moon, the Trump-created Space Force has chosen to move forward despite outcries and complaints from other nations jealous that they cannot get to the Moon to enforce their Treaty. The Moon base will be named the Trump Moon Base and will be painted orange in honor of the former President.
Department of Defense insiders claim that Taylor Swift is a pawn in an elaborate scheme to distract Congress and the American public from the Secretary of Defense's unannounced hospital stay. Superbowl fever and America's favorite pop star is a lethal combination—at least that is the hope of the military industrial complex. The Deputy Secretary of Defense is believed to have hatched a detailed cover-up plan to use covert military assets and capabilities to help the Kansas City Chiefs win the conference championship and another Superbowl victory as a distraction. Taylor Swift and her boy-toy Travis Kelce, tight end for the Chiefs, are expected to be the focus of attention of the entire nation and the four other people outside the USA that watch American Football, which is not the “football” game that everyone else in the world calls “football” but which Americans call “soccer” for some reason. With that distraction likely to consume the social media and newspaper media for many days, the Secretary of Defense fiasco will likely be forgotten as Swift's fans, known as “Swifties”, celebrate. The NFL has already announced that naming rights are available to any future Kelce and Swift progeny. The US House of Representatives has formed a “Swiftie Caucus” to debate the merits of Swift's music in a series of hearings in February.
Elmo, the little red rascal that lives on Sesame Street and in the hearts of many young kids, is a licensed psychoanalyst. Of course, that license was issued by the Sesame Street Board of Psychology and limits his services as a psychoanalyst to the residents of Sesame Street. However, Elmo has not passed up an opportunity to help millions around the world with his unique illeistic approach to tell people he loves them. And Elmo loves everyone. Last Friday, Elmo asked, “Elmo is just checking in! How is everybody doing?”. The responses ranged from “Doing great, Elmo!” to suicide notes in 140 characters. Elmo replied to many of these messages with “Elmo loves you!” or “Elmo hopes you are doing okay.” For the more dire messages, Elmo sent messages with emotional well-being resources. While X, Threads, Facebook, and Instagram are no place for a therapy session, Elmo's approach offered many people comfort. Unfortunately, the Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists has filed a complaint with the Sesame Street Board of Psychology, demanding that Elmo's license be revoked and that the board file charges against Elmo for widespread psychological harm. The Texas governor decried Elmo's intrusion into everyone's miserable lives online and Elmo's “woke agenda”. He then directed ten buses of illegal migrants to the Sesame Street address.
Neuralink announced its first successful operation to install the N1 Implant into a human. Unfortunately this achievement is mired in controversy because Neuralink is currently under investigation for its treatment of animals during testing of implants by the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) and Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC)—all of them died during testing. Neuralink claims to have fixed the “animal problem” and jumped right to human clinical trials with approval from the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), which apparently was not concerned about or hasn't yet looked at the “animal problem”. The PRIME trial uses a Tesla robot to surgically install the implant and connect the various wires in the brain. The patient, or first unfortunate “human problem”, is said to be recovering well from the procedure. Once the implant is turned on and tested, the Neuralink app, which is available to everyone in the Apple App Store to generate extreme FOMO for the surgery, will be linked to the N1 Implant. The first set of tests for the implant will be tied to Tesla cars. Neuralink's users will be able to drive their Teslas with the power of their mind. Since Tesla Autopilot is hampered by the lack of sensors, high-resolution map data, and poor strategy and execution of autonomous driving, Musk is hoping that Neuralink will be the answer to driving automation. While several Tesla owners have attempted backseat driving and failed, Neuralink will provide easy hands-free driving from the passenger seat or backseat if wanted, or even driving from the trunk if you are unfortunately kidnapped.
Blue Spring State Park in Florida appears to be a meeting area for numerous manatees, leading many to wonder if they are massing for a large scale attack. The normally docile animal known affectionately as the “sea cow” often seeks out warm water during the winter months. However, the number of animals found in the park reached a record with more than 1,000 manatees present. Their intentions are currently unknown. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, the Clearwater Marine Aquarium's Research Institute, and the Department of Homeland Security issued a joint warning yesterday to stay away from Blue Spring State Park and anywhere manatees assemble in large numbers. DHS is spearheading an observation and intelligence gathering program to monitor the herd of manatees, including a robot that looks like a manatee that can blend in and observe the animals up close. The DHS is reportedly adding a facial recognition system to the robo-manatee to identify the leaders of the manatee group. Manatee terrorism analysts have been sounding the alarm over their concerns about the manatees and their bloodthirsty desire for revenge against the humans who have driven them out of their homes, caused their starvation, and run them over with their boats. A conservation group of sympathizers known as the Save the Manatee Club has petitioned that the manatees be reclassified as “endangered” with US Fish and Wildlife Service. The US State Department has added the West Indian Manatee to the Specially Designated Global Terrorist list, which blocks them from ownership and interests in US properties they hold.
2023 was great year for layoffs in the tech sector. More than 250,000 hard-working non-unionized workers from companies like Google, Microsoft, Amazon, eBay, Etsy, and many other technology-based companies were tossed out without further considerations of the impact to long-term product strategies, financial viability of the company without workers to create long-term value, or even the risk of overburdening the remaining workers with all that added work previously done by those that were sent away. Now in early 2024, the layoff trend has continued, with even more layoffs announced affecting 25,000 workers. While layoffs are a strong indicator of poor company leadership, bad management of company resources, and incompetence in developing viable products and services, the stock market generally rewards companies announcing layoffs with a higher stock price. Those companies, in the short-term at least, are believed to be making changes that will help their long-term value. Unfortunately, this layoff trend is likely to continue. Insiders point to a recent charity poker game for Gamblers Anonymous in which several tech leaders made a “friendly wager” on who could lay off more people and still maintain a high stock price and price-to-earnings ratio. To win, the companies have to fire more people and maintain or grow their stock price and P/E ratios at January 2024 levels. The leaders of the Magnificent Seven (Amazon.com, Meta, Apple, Alphabet, Nvidia, Tesla, and Microsoft) are all believed to be in on the bet. Once the wager was made, Elon Musk immediately called his Chief Operating Officer (COO) at Tesla, told her to layoff 70% of the managers at the company, and then fired the COO on the call. Tesla stock rose 3.1% in after-hours trading on the news.
The National Security Agency finally admitted publicly that it has been buying sensitive information from private data brokers on Americans' video viewing habits, specifically their entertainment choices. This admission follows the FBI's similar admission of purchasing information from data brokers on Americans' obsession with and increased spending on sneakers. Internal reports from the FBI's Inspector General showed that the footwear data did not lead to any new prosecutions or convictions of terrorists. The NSA's view into videos Americans choose to watch is unlikely to provide actionable intelligence about ISIS terrorist plans, Russian Army targets in Ukraine, Kim Jong Un's missile launch schedule, the location of ransomware group leaders, or the names and addresses of Hamas fighters. Critics of the NSA point to the response from the Under Secretary of Defense for Intelligence & Security, Ronald Moultrie, who said that the data collected serves the needs of the agency's mission to find the most popular and entertaining shows. It is believed that this information will be used for recruitment advertising. All the armed services are well below their recruitment targets, and both Netflix and Amazon Prime will start showing ads soon. Knowing whether “Beef”, “Dee & Friends in Oz”, “The Queen's Gambit”, or “Bridgerton” have the right audience for recruitment is key to planning at the Department of Defense. Edward Snowden also leaked presentation files for the Joint Chiefs of Staff showing projected recruitment from the new Barbie movie now available on Amazon, code-named “Project Ken-ergy”.