Multiverse News

Department of Defense insiders claim that Taylor Swift is a pawn in an elaborate scheme to distract Congress and the American public from the Secretary of Defense's unannounced hospital stay. Superbowl fever and America's favorite pop star is a lethal combination—at least that is the hope of the military industrial complex. The Deputy Secretary of Defense is believed to have hatched a detailed cover-up plan to use covert military assets and capabilities to help the Kansas City Chiefs win the conference championship and another Superbowl victory as a distraction. Taylor Swift and her boy-toy Travis Kelce, tight end for the Chiefs, are expected to be the focus of attention of the entire nation and the four other people outside the USA that watch American Football, which is not the “football” game that everyone else in the world calls “football” but which Americans call “soccer” for some reason. With that distraction likely to consume the social media and newspaper media for many days, the Secretary of Defense fiasco will likely be forgotten as Swift's fans, known as “Swifties”, celebrate. The NFL has already announced that naming rights are available to any future Kelce and Swift progeny. The US House of Representatives has formed a “Swiftie Caucus” to debate the merits of Swift's music in a series of hearings in February.