Multiverse News

Disagreement in the US House of Representatives has led to a continued delay in passing a spending bill to fund the Ukrainian war effort. The Department of Defense has been unable to rotate current equipment and supplies to the Ukrainian military for upgraded replacements without funding from Congress. With the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, the DoD has a large supply of frozen turkeys, which are being diverted from military installations around the world to Ukraine to be used as projectiles. DARPA, the DoD's advanced research group, funded experiments using frozen turkeys as projectiles and found that the frozen flightless fowl flew at more than 1,200 feet per second and delivered 900,000 Joules per kilogram of kinetic energy, which is sufficient to penetrate Russian tanks and armored vehicles. The DoD is rapidly transferring 5,634 frozen turkeys in cold storage around the Middle East, Europe, Africa, and Asia. They are expected to arrive frozen and ready for battlefield use over the next three days according a DoD press release. The Ukrainian President was livid over the announcement of the alternative munitions being supplied by the cash-strapped US military. The US President praised his military chiefs for their ability to find a solution in the face of the budget crisis. The USO promised to replace the standard turkey dinner that deployed military service men and women would normally have on Thanksgiving Day with a meal of tortellini with sausage and mascarpone and a live-streamed concert with celebrity chef Danny O'Malley singing his favorite restaurant songs.