Multiverse News

General Motors Company has fallen on hard times yet again. However, falling vehicle sales numbers and poor economic conditions are not the cause. Simply put, the company’s investments in non-automotive ventures has not paid off. Chairman Joe Steele announced the change in product focus three years ago at a contentious board meeting where the other members of the board were forced to resign during the meeting. Steele’s plan called for product diversification and included shifting 35% of the auto assembly employees over to manufacturing a new set of products, including lady’s lingerie, fog machines, pet harnesses, beard trimmers and razors, and toothbrushes for large animals. Steele’s own internal “market research” determined that these particular product categories were ripe for automotive-style innovation and disruption and aligned well with the capabilities of the automaker. Steele appointed his cousin Tim to head up the new business ventures, who quickly started re-skilling union labor into industrial sewing machine operators, small appliance assemblers, and plastic mold experts. The costs to retool the ten manufacturing plants was $15B. However, reviews of the new GM products were lackluster at best. One reviewer described a General Motors Strapless Plunge Backless Bustier in White as “Solidly built with good suspension and clean lines. Sirius XM radio seems unnecessary. Nonerotic. GM logo was too large.” The reviews for the toothbrushes are too inappropriate to print here.