Multiverse News

The National Fire Protection Association (NFPA) issued a warning of increased risk of spontaneous human combustion (SHC) during the holidays. The Centers for Disease Control define Spontaneous Human Combustion as a pseudo-scientific theory about the spontaneous combustion of a human body. The likelihood of someone contracting and suffering from SHC is extremely low, but the negative impact to a person's long-term health and overall well-being is extremely high. Most people suffering from SHC do not survive a spontaneous combustion event. SHC is not a well understood phenomenon in the scientific community, and yet there have been many strange cases of combustion without no simple explanation. The NFPA recommended avoiding smoking, maintaining a safe distance from burning candles, celebrating the holiday with a “dark tree” devoid of pretty lights and soul-lifting cheer, and avoiding vigorous holiday food induced workouts with powered exercise equipment. The Spontaneous Human Combustion Research Center of the National Institutes of Health, a Trump-era special research center, has spent five years and more than $45M to research the cause of SHC but have little credible data to show for it. One research paper issued by the center and embraced by conspiracy theorists in the US posited that secret Jewish space lasers were targeting white Americans as part of the Great Replacement process. The paper was quickly retracted by the NIH. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Georgia) immediately called for Congressional hearings to investigate the “radically woke mob at the NIH silencing important research on space-based lasers”. CVS has partnered with the health research company Combustible & Me to provide a genetic test for SHC to measure a person's susceptibility to combustion.