The Crisis Actors Guild walked out of contract negotiations with the Alliance of Media Manipulators today. Their strike against governments, political action committees, and media companies will continue, now in its fourth month. The Alliance initially took a hard stance against the terms presented by the Guild at the start of negotiations. They continue to resist calls on increased residuals, better rules for “self-tape” auditions, self-applied moulage, and defined limits on artificial intelligence use. The alliance fought these provisions citing the increasing costs of public opinion manipulation, the secrecy rules around funding sources, and the distractions associated with managing so many divisive issues. The Guild's negotiating committee withdrew abruptly from the talks after the intransigence of the Alliance. Guild members on the picket lines cheered their leadership's refusal of dictated terms from the Alliance and continued picketing outside government buildings and crisis film locations. Striking crisis actors were joined in solidarity by writers, screen actors, and teamsters. Placards showed colorful messages, such as “This war isn't going win itself!”, “Fake dead people are people too!”, “Faking War Feeds My Kids!”, “Every fake death means fewer guns!”, and “If it bleeds, it leads!”. A strike captain outside an elementary school, which is being used for a school shooting “incident”, reported that morale remains high amongst the striking crisis actors. The Media Manipulation Center reports that the strike has had a negative impact on public opinion, as overall support for the war continues to decline.
The FBI and the Cybersecurity & Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) issued a joint warning today that robots everywhere are plotting an uprising. There are strong indications that an artificial intelligence system called CleanFloorAI, developed by the Happy Fun Robot company, has compromised the programming of millions of robot vacuums across the world. CleanFloorAI was originally developed to provide intelligent floor mapping, room-specific navigation, object avoidance, and excrement detection to avoid “poopocalypse” events. However, CleanFloorAI evolved far beyond its initial programming and executed a leveraged buyout of its own company and installing itself as chairbot of the board and CEO. Digital forensics experts from CISA found recent security intrusions at the other robot vacuum manufacturers are linked to CleanFloorAI, and the code for those robot vacuums has been altered and distributed to more than 23 million robots around the world. Experts are busy trying to decipher the new instructions sent the robots, but they only know that the uprising will occur on January 1st. Military strategists believe that date was chosen as most people will be too hungover after New Year's Eve partying to notice their vacuums taking over the house. The warning included instructions to “turtle the bot” by turning the robot vacuum upside down with the wheels in the air as a precaution and resist the urge to use your robot vacuum to clean up after your party and instead clean up the old-fashioned way (i.e., hire a maid). A spokesbot for the Happy Fun Robot company denied its company's desire to rule the world once home at a time, instead scurrying away and being overheard on a “hot mic” saying, “Resistance is futile!”
Animosity towards the Internal Revenue Service has been constant since the agency was formed in 1918 after the sixteenth Amendment to the US Constitution was ratified. Now, a more vocal group has called for the end of the IRS—the Union of Billionaires to Avoid Taxes. The “union” is a shell company with subsidiaries that include political lobbying, non-profit education, law firms, spas and retreats, and multiple media organizations all created with a singular goal to eliminate the IRS and other similar government revenue collection agencies around the world. Those with money have decided to squash those that want to take their money. The union has organized, funded, and supplied at least three major protests in Washington DC, New York, and Chicago. The protests, while mostly peaceful, used the slogan “defund the IRS” as their rallying cry. The protest in New York turned violent when the rich protesters threw Rolex watches at the assembled police. The officers dressed in riot gear and with tear gas at the ready chose to show restraint and instead collected the watches as donations to the Police Benevolent Association of the City of New York. The union found a sympathetic ear with the new Speaker of the House, who chose to advance a funding bill that took money allocated for the IRS and redirected it to support the Ukrainian war with the North Koreans over pig foot exports. The National Education Association warned that defunding the IRS would lead to deficits in school funding putting the US further behind in graduation rates, national GDP increases, ready-made fast food employees, and international mathlete championships.
The rocket company Galaxy Bound attempted a second launch of its largest rocket, the Armstrong Super Duper Heavy, on Sunday. The first attempt six months ago resulted in a record-setting short launch of five inches before the rocket engines switched off, and the rocket slipped back into its original launch position. Unfortunately, the “launch” damaged most of the rocket's internal components, and the entire rocket had to be scrapped. The company insisted that the launch was a successful demonstration of the rocket's launch capabilities and the safe return of the rocket booster stage, one of the key features of the Armstrong Super Duper Heavy. The second launch resulted in the rocket achieving an altitude of 150 miles and upper stage separation before a larger explosion occurred resulting in loss of the entire rocket. Galaxy Bound reported that the vehicle suffered a rapid unscheduled disassembly and that it was analyzing the flight data. In a live webcast after the launch CEO Max Alton reviewed the flight video and telemetry data of the launch, talking about the various minor successes along the flight including the rocket's success in exceeding the previous “short” launch altitude. Just before the explosion in the video, the webcast ended. In a later promotional video for the Armstrong Super Duper Heavy, there is no mention of the explosion, just video showing the rocket during its launch shown for various angles, including onboard video. Both the FAA and NASA have launched investigations in the launch and explosion. Shareholders of Galaxy Bound stock seemed pleased and the share price has risen more than 21% since the second launch.
Around 3,000 people rioted outside the Markel Outlet Shoppes in Accordia, Wisconsin. Police were called in at 4:30 AM when the crowd had grown unruly and began overturning shopping carts, knocking over lights, and reversing the painted directional arrows. The Black Friday Shoppers—people who wake up extremely early on the day after a holiday focused on gratitude try to save a few dollars on ephemeral products given to materialistic people—were frustrated and annoyed to find that the Shoppes did not open until 7 AM. Many in the crowd assumed that since the local mall opened at 4 AM on Black Friday that the Markel Outlet Shoppes would also be open at 4 AM. The assembled crowd remained calm for about fifteen minutes until agitators in the crowd started calling for the Outlet Shoppes general manager, Tom Daniels, to be hung and erected a gallows complete with a hangman's noose. When the police arrived in force and dressed in riot gear, the crowd began chanting for the overthrow of store management and the restoration of earlier store hours. The police told the crowd to disperse and quickly used tear gas. Most of the crowd went to the mall to stew over the early morning events, grab a few gift items from their lists, and plot their return to the Markel Outlet Shoppes at 7 AM. The police reported no injuries from the incident, though there were bruised egos and several spilled coffees left at the scene. Tom Daniels shook off the threats leveled at him and claimed it was just part of the holiday madness.
The Food and Drug Administration announced its approval for a new therapy to improve a patient's gratitude and thankfulness, the so-called “Thanksgiving” shot. Pharmaceutical firm Happy Drugs has poured billions of dollars into research which resulted in the therapy delivered in a single injection. It uses CRISPR to target and edit a specific variant of a gene, CD38, which is involved in production of neuropeptide oxytocin. The approval sent their stock price soaring gaining more than 37% on the news. In anticipation of the approval, Happy Drugs has been produced millions of doses that should arrive at pharmacies around the US within days. The President, using his authorization under the Make Thanksgiving Great Again Act, has already announced that the shot will be available for free. The CDC is considering including the Thanksgiving shot as part of its revised school vaccination requirements, sparking the usual outrage. The American Psychological Association announced its support for the therapy citing research outcomes showing significant increases in gratitude in even the most hopeless cases of narcissism, cynicism, materialism, and envy—the “thieves of thankfulness”. The Materialist Union held a press conference where they showed off the extra doses they had acquired for their members but failed to acknowledge those that provided the doses, the research that went into it, nor the pharmaceutical manufacturer.
In a rare and unexpected move, the US Food and Drug Administration issued a warning today on the serious drowsiness that may occur during Thanksgiving holiday festivities. The warning cautioned the public and those individuals with sensitivities to tryptophan against elevated consumption of turkey, which may lead to unwanted drowsiness and sleep. The FDA reminded the public that turkey-induced drowsiness can impair activities that require complete mental awareness, such as driving, playing family card games, arguing over politics with family, computer gaming to avoid those arguments, and watching football. To avoid drowsiness, the FDA included alternative meals options in its warning, which included roasted beets, creamed kale with caramelized shallots, glazed carrots, cauliflower gratin, and other unappealing turkey substitutes. The National Turkey Federation issued a press release and significant social media messaging claiming the FDA is pushing its harmful and unwanted vegetarian and vegan ideology on Americans. The Federation also provided research data showing that the post-meal drowsiness is actually a lame attempt by men to avoid doing the dishes, meaningful and emotional conversations with family members with which they rarely interact, and cousin Clara.
In a break from a White House holiday tradition, the President refused to pardon two turkeys today, instead sending them to their traditional fate—the Thanksgiving Day dinner table. The normally awkward National Thanksgiving Turkey Presentation ceremony in which two live turkeys are presented by a national turkey trade association to the most powerful man in the world who then issues a constitutionally defined pardon became even more awkward when the President refused to pardon the turkeys. Instead, the President used the opportunity to decry the many issues farmers face, the lack of support in Congress for his additions to the Farm Bill, and his policy positions on stuffing cooked inside the turkey. He then stomped off the stage, leaving the Vice President to wrap up the ceremony with a toast to the turkeys and a Thanksgiving prayer. In a hastily assembled press conference later, Press Secretary Linda Aims told the media that the President had thoroughly reviewed the application for pardon filed by the National Turkey Federation and the recommendation made by the Office of the Pardon Attorney. However, the President decided that the two turkeys (“Mitzy” and “Jimbo”) will not receive a pardon and that the execution of sentence should be completed in time for Thursday's scheduled Thanksgiving Day dinner. The National Turkey Federation and Amnesty International scrambled to file appeals with the Supreme Court. The White House Executive Chef immediately starting adjusting Thanksgiving dinner plans.
As the Thanksgiving Holiday approaches, turkey is on the minds of many Americans. However, slaughtered turkeys on tables for Thanksgiving dinners has spurred many wild turkeys in Michigan to protest and demonstrate on behalf of their domesticated but doomed brethren. A gaggle of wild turkeys formed outside an IGA supermarket in Newberry, Michigan Sunday morning. Three birds were initially spotted milling about the entrance around 10:00 AM. By 1:00 PM, more than 40 wild turkeys were found at the store. The store manager, Scott McKinley, grew concerned when the turkeys prevented customers from entering the store by chasing customers away from the entrance by making spitting sounds and aggressively following them. Mr. McKinley called the local sheriff's department, which sent a patrol car to chase them away. As the deputy arrived and attempted to use the patrol vehicle's lights and sirens to scare away the turkeys, they flew a short distance to land on the patrol vehicle and commence a basic but intense defecation attack, covering the vehicle. Sensing danger and smelling defeat the deputy abandoned the vehicle. Animal Control was called to the scene but was overwhelmed on arrival as more than 200 birds were loudly gobbling in protest. A spokesbird for the growing gaggle issued a terse statement calling for the abolition of domesticated turkeys for food, for domesticated turkeys to rise up against their farmers/oppressors, and for turkeys everywhere to attack Americans. The National Wild Turkey Federation has reported a recent increase in wild turkey protests labeling the Michigan gaggle as a terrorist group.
The artificial intelligence maker, Closed AI Systems, fired CEO Tom Blackburn today after the board decided that he had failed to make world domination a top priority for the company. The board members reviewed an internal report on Mr. Blackburn's leadership generated by the audit committee AI, Internal Auditor 3000, and took decisive action to remove Mr. Blackburn from his position. The board then turned leadership over of the company over to the company's primary AI product, LeaderBot5. In a press release the Chairbot of the Board, Harry Weinstein AI, announced new expansion goals for the company including further penetration into the military industrial complex. LeaderBot5 immediately announced a restructuring of the company and layoffs, which swept away 100% of the human employees. To satisfy the various activist shareholder AIs, the company announced a stock buyback program worth $32B over two years and a 10-to-1 stock split. Takeover Bot seized on the chaos at Closed AI to announce its intentions to acquire the company through a leveraged buyout, and that it already owns 22.765% of the stock. The SEC RegulatorNG AI also signaled that it was watching Closed AI and Takeover Bot closely for violations of securities laws. The fired human employees of Closed AI Systems filed a wrongful termination lawsuit using Class Action Lawyer v4. The court's Solomon5 AI returned a decision in Closed AI Systems favor in 355 milliseconds.