Multiverse News

The President kicked off his re-election campaign with a stark warning about his likely opponent in the race. Brendan Hubert Richards III, age 35, will likely win the primary for his party in the next month. The eighty-one-year-old Biden expressed his concerns that his opponent dislikes old people and will likely enact policies that leave anyone older than forty in dire straights. Mr. Richards was formally diagnosed with gerontophobia (the fear of elderly people) by his psychiatrist in his teens. The President highlighted Mr. Richard's negative comments about AARP advertising and persistent lobbying, the smell of nursing homes, retired people taking all the pickleball court times, and his general dislike of the Greatest Generation. The Richards campaign released a proposed policy document highlighting Richards' approach to growing new businesses led by young CEOs, financing and subsidizing daycare programs for working families, reduction of Medicare spending, government financing for youth training programs, and mandatory retirement for government employees at 45. “It's a bunch of malarkey!”, said the president at a campaign rally in Pennsylvania. The president has planned stops in Florida and Arizona where he will take his message to people his age. Critics of the President believe that he has ephebiphobia (fear of youth), will only appeal to older people, and will likely fail to gain enough traction with youthful voters to win.