Multiverse News

In a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, twice weekly practice of Tai chi was found to boost the memory of older adults. Most adults in their seventies experience some measurable amount of cognitive decline. The participants in the study took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which measures a subject's cognitive function. The study found that those who practiced Tai chi a few times each week improved their score by 10 points on average—but only for telephone numbers. All of the older adults grew up in an era where telephone numbers had to be remembered, written down, or looked up in a phone book, which was an ancient paperback book containing tens of thousands of telephone numbers for people and businesses in a specific area. As smartphones managed contact information for users, the need to remember phone numbers went away. Most smartphone users report the inability to remember any phone numbers, especially their own. However, the older adults in the study were able to remember telephone numbers from their youth, numbers that have long been reassigned to others. The study authors also noted that after each Tai chi session the septuagenarians sat around and recalled old phone numbers and told stories about the telephone numbers of their past friends and lovers. No other cognitive improvements were uncovered in the study. The National Institutes of Health continue to claim that Tai chi is rubbish and that everyone should practice Krav Maga instead. Big Tech applauded the study's findings, but then they canceled all afternoon Tai chi sessions in their courtyards to study this new threat to the smartphone market.