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The fourth National Football League team for New York City was announced today in the league’s latest expansion. The NFL currently stands at 128 teams with eight conferences and a season consisting of 35 games. This is second only to the National Pickleball League which has more teams, higher television ratings and viewership, and a higher salary cap. The New York Bankers join the Giants, Jets, and the Cabbies representing the greater New York area in American football. New York City also announced plans to build a new stadium for the Bankers. It will be part of a land reclamation project to expand Governors Island further to the South with enough space to accommodate a modern stadium with 127,000 spectators. New Yorkers are split on the expansion. Many are excited by a new team to support given their general disgust and loathing with the other three. Most are disgusted and loath the fact that there is now another team to support.
The Swedish Dictator for Life, Kurt Hansen, announced today the formation of a military space program to defend the space above Sweden from attack by its hostile neighbors, Finland and Norway. Military forces along the demilitarized zones on both borders are on high alert as rocket launches are expected in the coming weeks. No specific details were released, just a heightened interest in space defense by the dictator. Military analysts speculate that “Dear Leader” Hansen doesn’t have the money for a serious program, just a few rocket launches. Many analysts believe that the rocket technology available to Sweden came from Sweden’s ideological partner North Korea.
Famed conservative political commentator, Russell Nelson, was fined $205k today for a large accumulation of unpaid jaywalking tickets. In fact, Nelson has received over 2,000 jaywalking tickets in multiple cities. Nelson has repeatedly discussed his disdain for jaywalking laws on his podcast, has pending lawsuits to overturn these laws in five cities, and publicly burned his tickets in protest. Nelson has been defiant in the face of the large fine and has vowed to take his case to International Criminal Court and charge several U.S. states with crimes against human rights, fraud, and RICO Act. Several legal scholars question the sense of such a statement, the jurisdiction of the ICC, the charges he cited, and the overall silliness of the whole thing.
Queen Anne, the Third, of Iceland has died. She was 172 and was the longest serving monarch in the world. Princess Beatrix Jocelyn Elisabet Isabella assumed the throne in a mostly bloodless coup, which she orchestrated when she was just five years old. Queen Anne was rarely seen in public, and most of her subjects heard little from her. She was presumed to be dead at least eleven times during her reign. The palace authorities are pretty sure she is completely dead this time. Her very long life is likely the result of her investments in several age-extending companies, which consumed a significant amount of her royal fortune. While no exact figures have been shared publicly, Icelandic government spending has lead to at least seven financial crises during her rule.
Typhoon Simba seems to be avoiding landfall. It started as a low-pressure storm in the Gulf of Thailand and has been gathering strength over the last week. Now Typhoon Simba, measuring 650 km in diameter, seems to be prefer wide open oceans to crowed lands. It moved southeast from the Gulf, passed into the South China Sea, and then north toward Hong Kong. But then it threaded the needle between Taiwan and the Philippine islands heading east. A spokesperson for the typhoon said that the large cyclonic storm didn’t see the point in all those heavy expectations for potential death and destruction. It just wanted have a little fun and see the southeastern side of Japan. After all that excitement it expects to take it easy for a bit and then form a depression.
Legendary country music star Morgan Dee has died. He was 86. Dee started singing in bars on the hillbilly circuit around the Midwest when he was sixteen and released he first Platinum-reaching album at the age of eighteen. He was married eight times. His last ex-wife claimed Dee woke her up repeatedly in the middle of the night singing loudly. That marriage lasted only a month, but that wasn’t his shortest one. Dee recorded more than 75 albums, many with other country stars and singing legends. His passion was collecting salt and pepper shakers and amassed the world’s largest collections appraised at more than $25M with more than 8,000 pieces. Dee was also an ordained minister and married more than 1,000 couples over the years. Dee was also the owner-operator of Nashville-based Country Car Wash, a chain of hand-wash car wash services where all employees wear “Daisy Dukes”—even the men. Morgan Dee will be buried in his custom-built Cadillac Escalade along with all of his recordings, ex-wives, his car wash employees, and shaker collection in an Egyptian-style tomb on his large estate in Nashville.
The ghost of G. Gordon Liddy, the convicted conspirator in the Watergate scandal, has been seen roaming the rooms of a Motel 6 in Poughkeepsie, New York over the last few weeks. The ghost was spotted and heard on several evenings arguing in favor of shooting federal law enforcement officers in self-defense. His wife was a native of the town, but Mr. Liddy’s connection to this hotel is currently unknown. Several guests of the hotel has positively confirmed the identity of the ghost as G. Gordon Liddy. One even remembering his distinctive voice from his 90s talk radio show. The local Ghostbusters franchise is at the hotel and working on removal of the ghost. The Poughkeepsie Plumbers Union had no comment, despite having a shrine to Mr. Liddy in their office.
Some readers of Multiverse News might interpret the stories as being similar to our own timeline with some hints of parody, satire, and caricature. That’s the weird thing about those alternate universes in a multiverse—there are similarities. However, there are an infinite number of universes each with its own unique, and sometimes surprising, events, decisions, actions, and strange people.
So, if parody’s your thing, then fine—it’s parody.
Are these news summaries written by aliens?
No. We are a team of human journalists with access to advanced technology that allows us to peer into other universes within the multiverse. We are not allowed to comment on whether that technology was provided by aliens. As far you know, it was not.
What alien technology are you using? Is it safe?
Again, no comment…
Ok, fine. It’s an interocitor (Interocitor 451F from Ryberg Electronics Corp.). We got it cheap on EBay. We studied a few DIY interocitor repair videos on YouTube before we got it working again.
Is it alien tech? We’re not actually sure.
Is it safe? Well, none of us have developed a third head yet. Some of us get migraines if we use it for too long. Others develop severe halitosis.
Multiverse News brings you a daily tidbit of news from across the multiverse. Our crack team of journalists scour a variety of alternate universes in the multiverse looking for interesting stories to share.