The Ghostbusters Corporation and the union representing its ghostbusting techicians have a tentative agreement over better pay, safety concerns, and improved working conditions. Workers will leave the picket lines later today and return to work tomorrow. Ghostbusters has experienced tremendous growth in the last four years and opened offices in 40 states and Canada. However, employees say that long hours and the hazards of ghostbusting takes a toll on their health and impacts their families. Peter Venkman, the head ghostbuster and CEO, said today, “Finally, this apocalypse of labor disputes is finished. Now, we can turn our attention to the real apocalypse coming next week. Not the Containment Unit again. No, I’m talking about a real apocalypse of Biblical proportions with Gozer the Destructor’s whiny cousin, Oliver the Mildly Annoying. It’s all hands on deck now—even Janine, who thought better of walking out on us and taking a job in the food service industry.”
Yogurt maker Yoplait has issued a recall for most of its yogurt products. Recent changes to its formulation, which included adding more fruit to each cup, has resulted increased positive consumer sentiment towards the product and increased sales as a result. Stunned by this development, the makers of Yoplait have apologized for the error and are working towards correcting the issue. In the statement released today, Yoplait indicated that the recall affects all yogurt products, except the vanilla flavored ones.
Eleven people were incapacitated early this morning while in line waiting for the new Apple iPhone 59 to be released. Most had been camped out in line for four days straight waiting to get their hands Apple’s latest product. The eleven diagnosed with wetware link synapse collapse syndrome. All of the victims had the previous version of the Apple iBrain Link implanted. Apple had pushed an over-the-air update the week of the product release. The company declined to comment. All eleven were admitted to area hospitals and are recovering. Security experts have reported vulnerabilities for the iBrain product line for several years, and Apple has released many updates to correct those issues. Neurologists and researchers have reported several physical wetware interface design issues as well. Investigators from the NIH, professional biohackers, forensic pathologists, and computer forensics experts are investigating. Several lawsuits are pending, but the Terms of Service for the iBrain Link specifically state that the user's thoughts are the property of Apple, Inc., precluding the filing of those lawsuits.
The 7-Eleven corporation announced today that all 7-Eleven stores will switch from being open 24 hours a day back to the original namesake schedule of 7am until 11 pm early next year. This move addresses the staffing needs and changing customer demographics of more than 78,000 stores worldwide. In a more controversial move, the company said that six months after that schedule change the company will rebrand itself to “11-Seven” and change the schedule again to a more leisurely, lackadaisical, and later time of 11am to 7pm. Employees celebrated the announcement by giving away Slurpees to every customer until company management intervened. More than 25 million Slurpees were given away in one day, with many customers unfamiliar with Slurpee-induced health issues needing emergency medical treatment (e.g., early on-set diabetes, depression, post-consumption energy drain, and cold-stimulus headache or “brain freeze”). Several lawsuits are pending. With other large stores considering similar scheduling changes, pundits have asked if this is a new era of the “inconvenience” store.
Children’s book author, Shelia E. Hensley, has a new book out today, only this one is definitely not for kids. The title is “Kids suck!”, and it is Ms. Hensley’s true and truly horrific stories from book tours round the world over the past 32 years. It turns out, she really doesn’t like kids as suggested by her prolific and voluminous use of profanity that exceeds most of her children's books. The new book includes vignettes of snotty noses, urination, smelly diapers, fevers, and vomit, which are similar themes found in her children’s stories, only these take place in book stores.
Today's news summaries are brought to you by the letter “T” and the number “5”. Coincidentally, T-5 is the size of Torx driver that can open most laptop computers. That’s where the various intelligence gathering services place teeny tiny microchips to spy on you. Remember, loose chips sink ships.
So, let's not take our laptops into the bathroom anymore, OK?
New research shows that common sewer rats suffering from mid-life crises were 72% more likely to buy expensive items and 83% of purchasers experienced regrets within days after the purchase. However, the testing methodology used in this research is coming under fire from ethicists. They say that the experimenters biased the results by training some of the rats as luxury car sales people, middle managers at “boring” companies, loan officers, and accountants with higher salaries thus feeding the cycle of working rats experiencing mid-life crises and skewing the results of the experiment. When reached for comment, the scientists involved had left their jobs at the university and were driving their convertibles to Montana to get back in touch with nature.
Clown College, located in Sarasota, Florida, will re-open this fall under different ownership. The original Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus Clown College served as the primary training facility for the next generation of clowns needed by the circus until it closed in 1997. Now it has been revived under political insider and technology venture capitalist, Norm Barnum. Mr. Barnum, a distant relative of PT Barnum, saw an opportunity to bring joy to millions through the internet instead of the traditional circus venue. When asked about his political connections and the new Clown College, Mr. Barnum laughed and confirmed the obvious link between politicians and clowns. He also suggested that many of his political friends could benefit from an education at Clown College.
An Indiana Army National Guard convoy was attacked as it passed through Bloomington, Indiana on Saturday. The convoy was ferrying supplies between National Guard depots. The soldiers did not expect hostilities in the Hoosier state and were unprepared. A large crowd at the side of the road attacked the convoy with victory shouts, confetti, fireworks, and Indiana University T-shirts fired from a T-shirt canon. The troops were startled but did not return fire. An Army National Guard spokesman indicated that there was a clear gap in training and intelligence.
A series of tornadoes struck the town Winnetamock, Wisconsin on Thursday. Most had winds speeds of 125 MPH. However, the damage was limited to a small number of ugly and unsafe structures that the town was planning to remove. Town leaders have been trying for years to save enough money to hire the specialized demolition crews needed to take the structures down safely. Now those difficult to remove structures are just big piles of rubble, ready to be hauled away. The structures included a 10-story tall bunny rabbit built in 1934 for the town’s Easter parade, a 130-foot tall house of extremely large cards made out of steel as part of a long forgotten bet with a neighboring town in 1965, and a 150-foot tall lollipop built in 1982 for the town’s first and only Candy Festival. Residents of the town were glad to be rid of the embarrassing visual monstrosities. A spokesperson for the tornadoes had only one comment: “You're welcome.”