Mrs. Schwartz's fifth grade class filed a federal lawsuit against the Eden Park School Corporation and the US Department of Agriculture (USDA) on Monday. The lawsuit stems from repeated requests from students and parents to improve the quality and variety of the school cafeteria food. The school corporation has so far made no changes to school lunches. Since many of the students are on a USDA-funded free or reduced school lunch programs, those students have fewer choices for meals. Mrs. Schwartz's class decided that a lawsuit was their best option to force a change. The law firm of Stuart, Humboldt, & Chesney took on the case, pro bono, and filed suit in federal court. In a surprising legal strategy, the complaint states that students are subjected to a federally funded school lunch program as form of cruel and unusual punishment in violation of the Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution. The students have amassed a mountain of evidence collected throughout the school year, including lunch menus with bizarre descriptions of meals, unflattering and stomach-churning pictures of school food, surreptitiously taken videos from the cafeteria kitchen, and DNA analysis of several mystery meats. Legal experts disagree on the merits of the case and the specifically the use of the Eighth Amendment argument. Sally Thomas, the head of Eden Park Food Services and former county jail food service manager, took a strident tone in rejecting the students’ claims: “Our school lunches have always met federal guidelines for quality. However, the guidelines are less clear about requirements for school lunch to be appetizing, aromatic, delectable, savory, scrumptious, or even appealing to fifth graders.” The school corporation has already hired a law firm and plans to mount a vigorous defense.
Representative Barney Smalls, a Democrat from Alabama, activated the fire alarm at the US Capital just outside the House of Representatives Chamber before a highly anticipated debate on the floor. Rep. Smalls did not dispute that he activated the alarm and clear surveillance video confirms his actions. He did, however, claim that he was attempting to activate the “handicap” button to automatically open the doors to the House Chamber, which was due to an injury he recently suffered while playing a pickup shuffle board game. That claim has been disputed by Capital Police as the fire alarm panel was more than 30 feet from the door. Video surveillance soon after the fire alarm was triggered showed Rep. Smalls at a back door of the Capital building smoking a cigarette. The bill to be debated that morning was related to significant changes to tobacco legislation, which was expected to easily pass the House. Rep. Smalls faces a reprimand for activating the alarm in an attempt delay official House proceedings and for smoking within 12 feet of the Capital door.
The US Supreme Court handed President “Black Death” Morgan a defeat today with a ruling that blocked his attempt to fund high school heavy metal bands under a music education grant program. The US Department of Education created the grant program to increase musical outlets for students with more showmanship, screaming guitars, expressive yet banal lyrics, and loudness. However, the program limited funding to bands that play heavy metal music exclusively. The Department of Education and White House lawyers argued for the funding program as a free speech issue for bands receiving funding while the state attorneys general for 42 states argued for the equal opportunity commitments for education funding established in law. The Court found that the music program was too narrowly defined and blocked the implementation of the program in a close 5-4 ruling. President Morgan was swept into office on a way of dissatisfaction with politics and current music trends. His campaign stops included concerts with popular heavy metal bands playing campaign songs with emphatic beats, guitar distortion, and long solos with an onslaught of sound. “Metalheads” concerned about the future of their favorite music voted in record numbers. Unfortunately, this part of President Morgan’s campaign promise to “slay across the USA” is temporarily on hold.
The FBI and the Cybersecurity & Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) blamed Russia’s General Staff Main Intelligence Unit (GRU) 85th Main Special Service Center military unit 26165, a group also known as “Fancy Bear”, for attacking a piece of simulated critical infrastructure—Mr. Thompson’s model railroad. Sam Thompson, a retired high school English teacher living in Iowa City, Iowa, was targeted by nation-state actors that compromised his model railroad control system and caused significant disruption and damage to the Thompson rail network. Mr. Thompson has spent the last 22 years developing his model railroad layout, landscapes, and computer-driven train management system. The entire system can be monitored and controlled over the Internet, allowing Mr. Thompson to enjoy his hobby for switching problems from his winter abode in Florida. Unfortunately, the Fancy Bear attackers mistook Mr. Thompson’s computerized management system as a legitimate, fully-scale train operation and attacked it mercilessly. They targeted Thompson’s basement data center used to manage his rail network, email accounts, house automation components, and WiFi-enabled toaster. CISA issued a warning to other train enthusiasts to strengthen their defenses. Damage to Mr. Thompson’s model railroad is estimated at $35.
The US Federal Reserve Bank raised the Federal funds rate again today for the nineteenth time over the past sixteen months. A rather repetitive press release indicated that the Fed continues to watch the rising prices of maple syrup and showed concerns that this staple of the North American breakfast table will continue to cause average Americans financial hardship at grocery stores and restaurants. The Canadian government has also been proactive in trying to contain maple syrup prices by releasing its national stockpile of syrup, the so-called Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve, to lower prices early on in the crisis. Unfortunately, the reserve was depleted within four months and provided only a slight and transitory decline in prices. Syrup supply chains continue to be strained. Breakfast-focused restaurants have closed. Waffle House and IHOP reported lower than expected quarterly earnings due to rising syrup costs despite strong demand for pancakes and waffles. US GDP growth in the third quarter was 1.6% lower than expected, triggering urgent calls for Americans to curtail Maple syrup use or switch to alternatives. The President will address the nation next Tuesday evening on the crisis.
The International Space Station and its crew received a new crew member today. Sparkles the Clown arrived at the station along with enough supplies for five birthday parties for small children. Sparkles, whose real name has not been revealed by NASA, is scheduled to stay on the ISS for three months, spreading joy and happiness to the astronauts in the station as well as to children on Earth through remote video conferences. In a statement released after launch, Sparkles said that he is most interested in bringing laughter, surprise, and pure bliss to the crew and the children. He is also planning to work on new material for future performances from space. Zero-gravity and the small confines of the station will most likely be the clown’s biggest challenge as Sparkles is well-known for his juggling while riding a unicycle ability. Thankfully, there is plenty of room outside the station. The secrecy around Sparkles visit is puzzling. Ryanna Scott, the wife of Mission Specialist Tom Scott, warned NASA leadership that her husband suffers from coulrophobia, a fear of clowns, and looked forward to his time on the station to escape Earth-bound clowns. The space agency had no comment.
Joey’s Rocket Company launched its first rocket successfully today. “Unexpected” is the probably the best description of the rocket and its passenger that left the launch pad this morning. Joey’s rocket was built in 14 months in his barn using mostly parts from used farm equipment and help from his neighbors. The rocket reached a height of 330,000 feet, deployed a parachute, and drifted back to Earth. The rocket’s capsule carried the world’s fourth pig into space. “Major Porker”, a prize-winning 4-H county fair pig, joined a small but celebrated group of swine space travelers: Captain Link Hogthrob, Dr. Julius Strangepork, and Miss Piggy.
Wyoming Governor Paul Riley, a Republican, appointed Guy “Wild Man” Stephens, a registered Republican and anarchist, to fill the remaining three months of the late Senator Byron Smythe’s term. Senator Smythe, who was 79, died on Sunday of being old. Mr. Stephens is president of the Wyoming Anarchist Chamber of Commerce and holds very strong views on the elimination of government authority, institutions, and capitalism, preferring stateless societies and the free association of producers. When asked about the choice of an anarchist, the governor replied, “Why not? What harm could he do in three months?” Before his departure to Washington, D.C., Mr. Stephens held a rally with supporters promising the complete elimination of the tools of domination. He then stepped aboard his private jet and left, towing a banner decrying the overreach of the Federal Aviation Administration.
A dog park in Salt Lake City, Utah was invaded by a large flock of Canadian Geese earlier this week. Several dogs visiting the park attempted to chase away the geese. However, the geese did not fly away to the dogs' surprise. Several hundred birds turned toward the oncoming dogs and angrily hissed in response and chased the dogs out of the dog park. This is unusual behavior for common Canadian Geese. City park administrators have tried other means to chase the birds away from the dog park, including hiring a DJ to play dubstep music at a loud volume for a week. All expulsion attempts have failed so far. The US Fish and Wildlife Service has dispatched some geese experts to investigate. A spokesperson for the city's dogs expressed outrage at the intransigent geese and disappointment in the city's leadership.
The East Lucas High School robotics team from Joliet, Illinois, surprised their fellow competitors at the third annual Joliet Robotics Invitational with a humanoid Elvis Presley. Robo-Elvis, as the robot is affectionately known, emulates the hip-swinging movements of the late “King of Rock and Roll”, as well as his singing voice. Robo-Elvis, despite its rhythmic and hypnotic movement around the playing field, was quickly disoriented with a blow from RipSaw, a more aggressive and better armed destructor-style robot from a rival high school. After that, RipSaw tore Robo-Elvis apart with several quick slices from its primary weapon. The lopsided match was a strong win for RipSaw. Robo-Elvis, scattered about the floor at the end of the match, was not able to continue in the competition. A spokesperson for the East Lucas team expressed their both their overwhelming delight with Robo-Elvis's abilities with its wide vocal range and erotic gyrations and bitter disappointment in Robo-Elvis's lackluster performance in competitive battle. However, the team is vowing to return next year with a Madonna-bot in a conical corset or maybe a “Weird A”l Yankovic robot wielding an accordion.