Flush with cash from a successful business venture selling cheaply made USB flash storage drives on Amazon.com, the Alamanda School Corporation purchased 99 acres of farmland near its North View High School facility for $2M. In a press release, the corporation stated its intention to build a state of the art re-education camp to compete for federal detention facility contracts. In a later press conference on the planned use of the land, Superintendent Lesly Miles stated, “Our status as a public school system with top-rated schools demonstrates our ability to take on the challenge of re-educating political prisoners as well as those that committed lesser crimes, such as prostitution, distribution of illegal drugs, theft, and the inability to pay gambling debts.” When asked whether hard labor would be included in the re-education curriculum, the superintendent eagerly indicated that the facility would provide hard labor activities based on the student’s sentencing handed down by a judge, police, or government official. The facility will provide employment for 223 full-time guard staff and ten part-time teachers. Supporters of the new re-education camp lined the street near the planned facility, holding signs and placards showing their support for the school corporation and the superintendent. Sheriff D.T. Brown was ebullient in his comments, asking the superintendent for an accelerated timeline so that he could quickly send over his growing accumulation of “dirty hippies”. Mayor Sam Smith also showed interest in placing some key political opponents in the facility before the mayoral election in two years.
Four decades after Congress passed the FLooding our Education System with Hot Peppers for Our Tots (“FLESHPOT”) Act of 1983, which supplied the US public education system with reduced-price hot peppers rating a minimum of one million Scoville Heat Units to “spice up” breakfast and lunch school cafeteria offerings, health researchers found several significant and wide-spread changes in American students. When compared to students from other countries with similar school-based food programs, the Americans have some extraordinary new abilities. Capsaicin, the primary active ingredient, is an anti-fungal and has insecticidal properties. American students report a very small number of cases of skin infections caused by fungus (e.g., athlete’s foot, ringworm, or jock itch) and almost no detectable bites from insects. Also, the Hot Pepper Industry Association reported that younger employees do not need the same protective gear, such as respirators and goggles, that their older employees require. These younger employees, even those handling the peppers directly, are unaffected by concentrated capsaicinoids during harvesting and processing of the peppers. The Younger and Hotter Pepper Processors Union report its members have high levels of engagement with their employers, low healthcare costs, and command high salaries. Police departments have also reported that traditional riot control methods using pepper spray agents are no longer effective against younger Americans.
The US Food and Drug Administration's 2022 ban on caffeine has lead to steep declines in worker productivity, challenges to safety, and a fall in US GDP. Critics of the FDA ban, cite decades of health research on the safety of caffeine and the positive health benefits. In a new survey from the National Association of Manufacturers and the Association for Caffeinated Workers, workers reported falling asleep on the job an average of three times during every workday, significantly lowering their overall productivity. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has found a 312% increase in workplace accidents over the last twelve months attributed to drowsiness and the inability to focus on tasks. Three months after the ban, GDP growth slowed significantly. Now, the GDP is negative. The Drug Enforcement Agency, tasked with combating illicit drugs such as caffeine, has reported a 140% increase in caffeine smuggling at Canadian border crossings. US citizens have reported crossing to Canada to visit Tim Hortons to “make it through the day”.
The third Republican presidential debate was held last night in Miami. While the slate of candidates on stage represented the poll leaders in the GOP, everyone seemed to be using the same talking points, carefully crafted “facts” with a shiny veneer of truthiness, and even similar disturbing voter stories from the campaign trail. Each candidate was indistinguishable from the others based in their staid responses and repeated rhetoric. After 90 minutes of the same answers and limited candidate interaction, the debate moderator threw out the remaining questions and switched to Trivia Pursuit questions. Surprisingly, the candidates did well with the Entertainment and Sports questions but failed to answer a single Science, Literature, Geography, or History question correctly. Polling after the debate showed significant interest in having the presidential candidates compete in a series of board game challenges instead of debating the issues.
Argentina, sensing international weakness of the UK due to Brexit, may be making moves to acquire the Falkland Islands again. Islas Malvinas, as the island archipelago is referred to in Argentina, has been a UK overseas territory since 1833. Argentina and the UK went to war in 1982, when Argentina invaded the islands. While defeated in that conflict, Argentina continued to try to reacquire the islands through peaceful means. However, a referendum in 2013 showed that 98% of Falkland Islanders want to remain British citizens. Then, Brexit happened. The UK broke away from the European Union and now struggles to maintain relevance on the international stage. Its GDP continues to decline. Citizen poverty has increased. The national budget continues to see cuts, including funding for the Falkland Islands. Argentina, sensing an opportunity, launched a social media blitz and advertising campaign to win over the Falkland Islanders and the islands. Its marketing slogan is “No one loves you like Argentina!”. The tourism ministry is offering low-cost travel to Argentine cities for Falkland Island residents. Argentina attempted to tow advertising banners behind planes as they flew over the Islands, welcoming the residents of the islands to visit Argentina. Unfortunately, the UK Royal Air Force mistook those planes and their advertising as an attack on the Falklands. The planes were shot down, and the pilots captured.
New York City is taking an aggressive stance on Brooklyn-based bed bugs as a coordinated attack by the bugs on Saturday led to an exponential increase of infestations and bites. New Yorkers, shocked by the attack, called for an intervention to protect the residents of the other boroughs. Both the governor of New York and the Mayor of New York City have heeded the calls for action. NYC’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene (DOHMH) Bed Bug Eradication Group and two thousand New York Army National Guard troops are massing near Brooklyn’s border in Queens. The residents of Brooklyn have been given 24-hour notice to evacuate the borough before the siege begins. DOHMH will bring the battle to the bed bugs in room-by-room and street-by-street combat. The National Guard troops will open with an artillery barrage of insecticide canisters to fumigate the area before infantry troops and armored vehicles capture and hold buildings for DOHMH to clear. Trucks carrying several tons of diatomaceous earth, a lethal substance for bed bugs, have been spotted heading toward to staging areas in Queens. Brooklyn residents are fleeing with only the clothes on their backs, which are confiscated and burned. FEMA has warned of the humanitarian crisis unfolding, and the UN cautioned the City against human rights abuses in a rush to eliminate the invaders. New York State is investigating whether New York rats were supporting the bed bug attack through funding or training. No links have been established yet.
The Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike entered its 164th day today. Negotiations with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers, the AMPTP, have hinged on several key points, most notably the use of artificial intelligence to replace writers completely. There are also smaller yet substantive issues under dispute. The AMPTP wants to remove contractual requirements for the writers have a “ample” supply of therapy pets, fully loaded Pez dispensers based on Marvel superhero characters, and a bathtub supply of Vaseline. The WGA has always pushed back on the choice of Marvel character Pez dispensers for years. However, they have held firm on needs for the Vaseline and cuddly support animals for their “writing process”. The AMPTP’s Negotiator AI system, known as “Reagan 2”, is confident of success in the elimination of these specific requirements or the writers themselves. “Bully Fighter”, the Guild’s negotiation AI, is optimistic that the Pez dispensers can be changed from Marvel characters to Shakespearean characters, especially those from MacBeth. Unilever, maker of Vaseline, released updated financial guidance that anticipated an uptick in Vaseline sales once the strike is resolved.
A kangaroo named Archie was found and captured today after twelve days of roaming around the Indianapolis International Airport. Archie, a registered emotional support animal, was traveling from Australia with Cliff Brown, the kangaroo’s owner, when the kangaroo escaped in the airport baggage handing facility. Mr. Brown, a mental health counsellor who suffers from PTSD, has been helping with the capture efforts. Airport personnel knew the location of the kangaroo at all times since it is a little harder for a kangaroo to hide than small pets and that Archie preferred to attack and bully the airport staff and then run away. A series of traps were set at the airport, but those only succeeded in capturing six baggage handlers, two pilots, and three airport management executives. The FAA declared a ground stop three times when the kangaroo was chased outside and around the airport facility. The pilots and baggage handlers unions have lodged formal complaints against the airport authority over the incident.
The North Forester County School Board voted President Jane Dooey out of office in Monday's turbulent school board meeting. President Dooey angered a small but vocal group of citizens and fellow school board members by refusing to bring forward a vote to issue a bond to fund taco bars in the corporation's fourteen schools. Prior to the vote to vacate the Office of Board President, Ms. Dooey explained her position on conservative fiscal management and opposition to the “pro taco” movement that seek to exploit the creditworthiness of the corporation for gastronometric gains to the detriment of student health and the financial wellbeing of the school system. She was shouted down by the assembled spectators with chants of “Tacos today! Tacos tomorrow! Tacos forever!” The vote was 5-4 to remove her from office. The school board is now paralyzed to conduct corporation business. There is also no Vice President, as the Officer Selection Committee has refused to forward any candidates for a vote, citing the corporation's current rules on providing hand sanitizer stations in the bathrooms.
Partners at the law firm McNichols, Stewart, and Sweeney have filed a lawsuit against their cross-town legal rivals, the law firm of Keller, Smiley, and Tuhey, over a contract dispute concerning a cleaning fee from the Bay City Legal Gala fundraising event. Neither firm will represent itself. McNichols, Stewart, and Sweeney were originally represented by the law firm of Smithe, Hawley, and Groot. However, a conflict of interest in representation was discovered when Mrs. Groot’s nephew was found to be employed by Keller, Smiley, and Tuhey. Also Keller, Smiley, and Tuhey would have been represented by Bovart, Kline, and Steadmean if it were not for another conflict of interest in which the niece of Mr. Bovart was employed by McNichols, Stewart, and Sweeney. After several rounds of trying to find representation without conflicts of interests, McNichols, Stewart, and Sweeney chose John Smith, Esq. of 1234 North Main St., and Keller, Smiley, and Tuhey chose John Smith, Esq. of 4321 South Main St., which despite their names and addresses are not related, have no conflicts of interest, and hate each other passionately. The trial is expected to be an interesting case in court room management for the judge and potentially explosive testimony and filings over a matter of $100.