House Republicans, liars by trade, based their Biden-Ukraine conspiracy theory on information from an FBI confidential informant. The informant, whose name we learned after his recent arrest, is Alexander Smirnov, a probable Russian plant with a mission to embarrass the Bidens or the Republicans or both. Thankfully, the quick-witted, though slow-reacting FBI was on the case taking almost four years to check the information provided by Smirnov on a government form used by FBI agents to record raw, unverified information from confidential sources, form FD-1023. House Republicans considered that FD-1023 form full of valuable and trustworthy information on which to launch a full-scale House committee investigation of the Biden family. When the FBI did get around to validating the information provided by Smirnov, it became obvious that the information did not make much sense. There are the bribery allegations, of course, but also the claims of President Biden's childhood teddy bear obsession which has led to Hunter Biden's penchant for Beanie Babies, Joe Biden's birth certificatex which shows that he is 102 years old, and Dr. Jill Biden's recipe for Death by Chocolate cake that has killed at least three people and was covered up by the Attorney General. With Smirnov arrested and his information highly suspect, it seems that foundation of the House Republicans case against the Biden family seems shaky.
President Biden is expected to sign the Build Back Better Americans bill into law tomorrow afternoon after much negotiation and wrangling in Congress. This law is expected to cost $10T over the next five years but lower the cost of human biomechanical implants and enhancements for those in need. The costs of biomechanical replacement organs have tripled since FDA approvals. The average lifetime costs of the replacement organ and implants is now well over $1.3M. The law will also accelerate the medical and surgical training programs for implanting these devices using home services. Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, Amazon, and Google have all increased their product research and development investments for organ replacements and implants. Apple is said to be secretly working on products as well. The Apple iBall was new product category for enhanced vision, bringing sight to the blind and augmented reality to sighted people. Now, Apple is rumored to be working on a new liver product that can completely replace the human liver and carry out the 500 separate liver functions controlled through a user's iPhone Health app plus added features for superior alcohol absorption, allowing users to consume many alcoholic drinks with no more than a minor buzz. Google's focus has been on computer-brain interfaces, with a Matrix-style interface that uses a long probe inserted into an installed port at the back of the skull, popular among the Matrix trilogy fans. Many cash-strapped hospitals are gearing up for the expected boom of patients seeking implants and organ replacements soon after the law goes into effect. Amazon.com will offer simple shopping for medical implants, organ replacements, and wetware products. Amazon Home Services will offer installation procedures in the comfort one's home. Amazon Prime will supply music, movie, and show content for Prime-compatible wetware products.
Nutella, the chocolaty spread made with hazelnuts, cocoa and, a ridiculous amount of sugar, has been recalled throughout North America. Ferrero, the Italian maker of Nutella, said in a statement that while they maintain strict tracing of their hazelnut supply, the hazelnuts sourced for processing in North America were not actually hazelnuts—they were Brazil nuts. The switch was believed to have been orchestrated by a disgruntled Brazilian employee as an elaborate joke. Several consumers that purchased the Brazil nut version of Nutella reported the different taste but complimented the company on the new flavor. An unnamed source in the marketing department at Ferrero indicated that the recalled products will be relabeled as a new version of Nutella. Early market studies are showing promise for this new version of Nutella, which hasn't changed since 1964, except for that time in 2017 when the company changed the recipe and consumers revolted. Ferrero hasn’t decided on a product name yet. Some ideas being considered include Nutella II, Brazilian Nut-ella, and New Nutella—in an homage to New Coke. The Italian Hazelnut Producers Association, a known front for the Foggian Mafia in Italy, has already started pressuring the company to remain true to its family roots or else face brutal hazelnut supply consequences.
The previous host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show, Jon Stewart, has returned to late night television as an old man seeking to reclaim his glory by spending his time this year focused on complaining about two other old men, one that when asked about some documents couldn't recall the details about them and the other one is the current President. The parallels of Mr. Stewart's return to television mirror the attempted return to former glory for former president Donald Trump. Unfortunately, the ravages of time and the change from TV viewers to TikTok and YouTube viewers have limited Mr. Stewart to only appearing one time a week and only under close doctor supervision instead of four times a week as he was able to do as much younger man when he first hosted the show. In his first show back, Mr. Stewart spent most of his time focused on the various gaffes, memory problems, depositions, poor choice of words, and general complaints of Biden and Trump and forced his fellow correspondents to support his gerontological assertions about these older men. At times, Mr. Stewart seemed to be confused, mixing up his own return to the show with the potential return of Trump or Biden for a second term. He was also surprised by the sudden appearance of one of the correspondents, a man who had been sitting near him since the start of the show. Overall, it was a rough start to a one-night a week hosting opportunity on this serious news program. Perhaps, Mr. Stewart is using his time on TV to jump into the presidential race as an independent candidate. If true, then voters would then have to choose between three white old guys, instead of two, leading to a more diverse political representation for old white guys and an even harder decision at the ballot box.