Alex Jones, Elon Musk's favorite right-wing nut job and now returning X (formerly Twitter) poster boy for speaking your mind even if your mind is filled with strange and implausible conspiracy theories and money making schemes for questionable health products, owes more than $1.5 billion dollars in court-imposed penalties to the families of the Sandy Hook massacre who turned out not to be crisis actors after all. Looking over his bank accounts, luxury homes, multiple cars, Infowars viewership numbers, Infowars product sales, and Infowars ongoing war on the New World Order, Mr. Jones decided to claim poverty and offer $5.5 million a year over a ten-year period. Alex Jones believes that he will likely struggle to raise more than a few million dollars a year to pay his rather large penalties for causing a decade of harassment and death threats to those families. Undeterred by the offer, the Sandy Hook families are pushing for an alternate plan in which Alex Jones must promote the Sandy Hook Families line of healthcare products at no cost for as along as Alex Jones is in front of camera anywhere, at any time. The Sandy Hook Families Health Company have already released a few of the slogans that Alex Jones must repeat to his audience, which include “When my soldier isn't saluting, which is often, Sandy Hook Erectile Dysfunction Cream is the best cream, the most wonderful erection cream there is!”, “Whenever I feel the itching and burning back there, I apply the Sandy Hook hemorrhoid solution, liberally.”, and “Warning: Infowars can cause headaches, migraines, and even significant bouts of depression! I always use Sandy Hook Mind Control to soothe and relieve.” No word yet, on whether the Sandy Hook families will prevail with this proposed solution.
Cardinal Angelo Becciu was convicted of embezzlement in a Vatican real estate investment scheme. Pope Francis had ordered a crackdown on Vatican corruption more than two years ago, leading to this trial and conviction of the Cardinal and others involved in the crime. The Holy See, the other name for the rather strange city state known as the Vatican, apparently chooses not to “see” other criminal activities within its ranks, such as the thousands of priests accused of child sexual abuse and the cardinals that covered it all up. The Vatican press office released a statement touting the success of the prosecution's efforts to weed out financial misdeeds throughout the Catholic world. The International Association of Worldly Cardinals, the labor union representing Catholic cardinals, lodged a formal complaint with the Holy See's Holy Labor Relations Board over their perception that the prosecution of Cardinal Beeciu was unfair, undignified, and unholy. As the cardinals enter into holy negotiations for the Holy Master Bargaining Agreement, the lead negotiator Cardinal Joseph Aloisius Ratzinger Jr. has stated his intention, in Latin, to pursue new restrictions on criminal liability for cardinals and for “extensio pontificiae infabilitatis ad omnes bases pertinentes, religiose loquendo” (the extension of papal infallibility to cover all the bases, religiously speaking.) Pope Francis, who was once a cardinal, replied with righteous indignation, “There can be only one!”
The free-ranging domestic cat (Felis catus) is a murderous menace to the future of planet's ecosystem. A recently released paper in Nature Communications shows the utter devastation wrought by domestic and feral cats everywhere. Cats were recorded devouring more than two thousand different species, including birds, insects, mammals, amphibians, and even reptiles. The cat's unending diet has lead to the extinction of 60 species worldwide. Almost 350 species on the cat's menu are listed as considered to be of conservation of concern. A cat needs a high protein diet, has an evolved set of hunting skills perfect for the extinction of many species, and no sense of empathy or concern for others—it is the perfect killing machine that could end life on this planet. To combat the dangers we face from these planet-killing murder machines, the US-based National Organization against the Cat Affiliated Threat (NOCAT) has released a manifesto calling for the elimination of cats across the planet. NOCAT is offering a trade-in program. For every cat handed in, NOCAT will provide a rescue puppy—turning passionate cat lovers into reluctant dog lovers...maybe.
The X-37B, a highly classified US spaceplane, awaits its seventh launch into space this time aboard a Falcon Heavy rocket. China is aggressively trying to catch up with the US in space endeavors by launching its own pirated copy of a similar secret spaceplane for the third time. Just as the Soviet Union built a copy of the NASA Space Shuttle called Buran using KGB-provided information appropriated from the US, China may have used its hacking groups, like APT17 and “Aquatic Panda”, to steal classified secrets about the US military's spaceplane program to build their own slightly inferior copy. US military intelligence experts have speculated that China started manufacturing their spaceplane version after several hacking attacks were detected at US defense contractors involved in the construction of the X-37B. The CIA showed photos of the Chinese space plane and the US version to the US military space plane program officials, who could not identify the counterfeit one—except from the “UASF Hush Moon Craft” markings on the side of the Chinese spaceplane. The US has lodged a formal complaint with the World Trade Organization (WTO) seeking damages for trademark infringement. The Chinese Xinhua News Agency released a report later that attempted to refute US claims of intellectual property theft showing the Tiangong Space Station (not like the International Space Station), BeiDou-3 (not like the US GPS navigation system), plans for manned Lunar missions (not like the Apollo missions), Yinghuo-1 (not like the various Mars orbiters), and Tianwen-1 (not like the Mars rovers).
The International Climate Committee (ICC) animal adoption program was canceled just two months after it started. The ICC's approach to raise funds to save animals around the world was initially hailed as a complete copy of the successful World Wildlife Fund (WWF) animal adoption program, even stealing most of the content from the WWF website. The ICC created a series of animal-specific fundraising campaigns focused on saving animals endangered by climate change. The adoption programs were designed to raise money and drive action from donors by compelling them to sponsor a cute and lovable animal, receive some poorly made and ecologically questionable animal toys, and receive even more SPAM-like marketing emails and the occasional update about how that animal's life has been improved through their donation. Polar bears received a specific focus by the ICC marketing team. The polar bear adoption efforts emphasized the challenges facing polar bears: shrinking Arctic Sea ice, their inability to hunt and feed their young, their zany adventures wandering into human villages, and their love of seals for snacks on those icy cold days. Due to a reported “clerical error” and possibly a misunderstanding in translation, the adopted polar bears were collected from the Arctic and delivered to their donors' homes as part of the adoption process. Unfortunately, neither the donors nor their adopted polar bears were very happy with the arrangement. Several homes were destroyed by the confused adopted polar bears. The ICC apologized for the error, immediately canceled the adoption program, and planned the return of the polar bears to their native habitat once a freight shipping service agrees to handle the transportation of the cute, cuddly, large, and angry bears.
Hasbro has fallen on hard times with soft toy sales this year and employee headcounts high. Instead of focusing on making better toys that more kids like, or even improving its marketing efforts and advertising campaigns, the company decided to spend more time playing with the toys it can't sell and remove some of the people that might want to play with them too. After some corporate “me time”, Hasbro decided to use its remaining cash to create a blockchain-based cryptocurrency for kids, called KidCrypto, and create a means of financial exchange across the entire Hasbro toy and gaming empire. Children can trade their Hasbro toys with other kids using KidCrypto. They can buy in-game assets with KidCrypto. Hasbro games and toys can be purchased using Kid Crypto. Kids can also place bets on Hasbro game outcomes using KidCrypto. Using Hasbro mobile and web applications, children can create their own digital wallets on their tablets and phones, manage their My Little Pony and Monopoly branded mining rigs to “mine” more KidCrypto, keep their currency on the Hasbro digital wallet service, and even trade for different digital currencies and fiat money on the Hasbro Crypto Exchange. The US Security and Exchange Commission and Commodities Futures Trading Commission have issued warnings to parents since Hasbro has no experience in the world of cryptocurrency or exchanges. Bitcoin and Ethereum values dropped more than 75% on the news. Then both went up 125% after a few minutes. Bitcoin dropped the next day by 45%. Ethereum went up again by 38%.
The fossilized head of a pliosaur measuring more than six feet in length was extracted from the Dorset cliffs in England. The skull has more than 130 sharp teeth used for incapacitating and capturing prey. The sea monster was known to roam the seas more than 150 million years ago and may have grown to as long as 50 feet long. Some have compared the pliosaur to a Tyrannosaurus Rex of the ocean. It likely fed on fish, sharks, dinosaurs, and other sea monsters. In fact, scientists from Norway now believe that the pliosaur may have been actively fighting with Norwegian krakens, which are giant octopi first described in the 1700s. Dr. Iselin Amundsen from the Norwegian Sea Monster Research Center described the pliosaur as a competitor to the kraken during the Jurassic period. The creatures fought over food in the North Sea between modern day Norway and the British Isles. English scientist Dr. Mark Eades of the British Museum has a different take on the pliosaur. He believes that the pliosaur is a misunderstood creature that just wanted to get along with other sea monsters of the period. Dr. Eades pointed to the large number of teeth and speculates that the pliosaur was an outcast and loner among the other sea monsters. The Norwegians have scheduled a sea monster focused conference in March to discuss research findings. The event will include a plenary session, keynotes by other sea monster experts, a virtual experience from several game companies with sea monster games, and an epic rap battle with scientists sharing their findings on sea monsters, research boasts, scientifically crafted insults, academic wordplay, and major disses. Dr. Kool E. Oh from South Korea and Dr. Hot Daddy CRISPR from Harlem Tech will battle on the main stage.
Elon Musk, owner of X (formerly Twitter), allowed Alex Jones back to X after Jones was banned in 2018. Conspiracy theorists and free speech absolutists welcomed the move and, as usual, focused their praise on Musk, adding to his tech bro demigod status. As a public company, Twitter banned Alex Jones permanently in 2018 for harassing messages that violated the company's policies. As a private company under Musk's control, it has allowed almost all the banned individuals back and causing more X users and advertisers to flee to alternative platforms. Alex Jones, who owes more than $1.5B to Sandy Hook parents for a defamation defeat, quickly announced plans to spread new and interesting conspiracy theories he has uncovered, far-right ideologies he favors, exciting new health products from Infowars Health, and a new branch of Infowars financial services for preppers. While Jones is enjoying another round of minor internet fame, he is still not welcome back at Comet Ping Pong. In addition to pizza, the popular Washington D.C. restaurant is also vacation destination for lovers of the Pizzagate conspiracy theory, which is a widely discredited theory involving Hillary Clinton, QAnon, stolen emails, alleged human trafficking, and a child sex ring. Of the many Pizzagate believers and visitors to Comet Ping Pong, one fired a gun in the restaurant, another tried to burn it down, others tried to enter a basement that does not exist, but most prefer to threaten and terrorize the employees. The owners of Comet Ping Pong reiterated that Jones is still pesona non grata at the restaurant.
The Austin, Texas bakery Wheat Rulez announced today that it will switch its counting system from dozens to tens. Bakery owner Tom McCall said that rising inflation had forced the counting switch to keep his business alive. McCall, a former middle school math teacher, indicated that traditional ties to the duodecimal system originating in Mesopotamia no longer make sense in a modern economy. Starting next Monday, Wheat Rulez will sell in base ten units instead of base twelve. Ten donuts will be priced at the same amount as twelve. Don't even ask about a baker's dozen since this isn't the 16th century anymore. Most regular customers of Wheat Rulez are not shocked by the change with the current rate of inflation. However, the local chapter of College Republicans have organized protests outside the bakery holding signs that say “No Metric System for Americans”, “Dozens are Better than Tens”, and “No 12 Shaming. More is Better.” The Texas Board of Bakeries has launched a shrinkflation investigation. The National Bakers Association threw its support behind Wheat Rulez and launched a national campaign to advise other bakeries on the advantages of the metric system.
Norman Lear passed away at the age of 101 on December 5th. He was a legendary TV producer who wrote, created, developed, and produced over 100 shows and was recognized with many awards. With his passing, CBS Studios has announced that it has partnered with OpenAI to train a large language model chatbot based on Norman Lear's work. The ultimate goal is to create new TV shows based on Norman Lear's style and incorporate some many of the political and social themes into those shows, just as Mr. Lear did. The chatbot is called “Lear-bot”, and it is already at work creating new shows. While CBS has not green-lit any of them yet, the first few show pilots have shown promise according to CBS Studios. “All in the Family and Sons” is a sitcom about a working-class family that owns a junkyard empire with the father as a Trump-loving patriarch with his two idiot sons and his liberal lesbian daughter. “The Hendersons” features the Henderson family, a Latino family that changed their name to side-step racism as they climb their way to the top of the cut-throat New York City dry-cleaning business. “Marvin” includes a Bea Arthur-looking, AI-generated character as an outspoken, middle-aged, politically liberal transvestite living in Orlando, Florida and working at a local diner. The Writers Guild of America has filed complaints with the studio showing the Lear-bot as a prime example of how artificial intelligence will limit original narratives and explorative story lines. The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers want to extend Lear-bot and promote more chatbots to lead productions. Lear-bot is already taking meetings with Disney Branded Television to create adolescent television.