Thomas James Rudecker, Jr. was arrested after launching his own personal protest against police brutality on a Texas interstate highway. Mr. Rudecker used his semi-trailer truck to drive erratically, swerve between lanes, honk for the little kids as he passed them, and aggressively push pursuing police patrol vehicles into the highway safety guardrails. Over CB radio, Mr. Rudecker called on other truck drivers to join him in protesting police violence by taking similar actions. Most truckers asked him to respect the officers and to drive safely. Using the radio as his own personal opinion platform, Mr. Rudecker described in great detail several conspiracy theories including how the Princess Diana is alive and enlisting Big Tech to monitor and harass paparazzi, that Chinese cucumbers used to make pickles in the US are part of a mind-control plot using CIA-developed drugs, and that the sheriff of Harris County in Texas is a devil-worshiper that holds runaway children at his ranch as part of Christmas candy cult. Harris County Sheriff deputies used spike strips to disable Mr. Rudecker's truck. When he refused to exit the vehicle, the deputies used a malfunctioning robot from the nearby Tesla factory to disassemble the truck around Mr. Rudecker. A police dog was released, which barked at him a couple of times before licking his face excitedly. The deputies then moved in to tase and then arrest him. Harris County Sheriff Ed Finkelstein later told reporters that Mr. Rudecker was a menace to the highways of Texas and that he was not a devil worshiper. He refused to answer questions about the Christmas candy cult accusation.
The US Fish and Wildlife Service announced today changes to its policy on managing endangered species within the US. The Service cited a changing attitude toward the preservation efforts of these animals and, as such, specific species will be handled differently when it comes to strike actions. A spokesbird of the California Condor Alliance commented that that Service continues to try to force its members into submission through repeated conservation programs, periods of captivity, and release for time served. The spokesbird stated that the alliance will continue to resist the extra attention that being endangered brings until all of their members are free of captivity. The Louisiana Black Bear Union has taken an aggressive stance against the Fish and Wildlife Service for its continued delay in expanding its habitat. A spokesbear indicated that the members of the union will continue to encroach on human property, dig around in garbage cans, and generally cause more nuisance until they can roam further. The Fish and Wildlife Service commented that collective bargaining efforts will continue with the species as long as those negotiations are conducted in good faith.
The North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, has been tracking Santa, his sleigh, and reindeer on Christmas Eve for more than seven decades. In that time, kids around the world have been checking in with NORAD on the phone and online to follow Santa as he makes his way around the world. However, this year the phone calls were unanswered, the website wasn’t up, and no Santa reports came from NORAD. The new Commander of NORAD, General Maddis, made disparaging remarks earlier in the year regarding Santa Claus during a Congressional hearing focused on budget matters for NORAD. When asked whether he believed in Santa and the need for providing defense for Santa’s trip, the general told Senators that he believed that it was a waste of government resources to track and report on Santa’s progress. According to the general, “Santa doesn’t need our help. However, if he attacks aggressively, the combined US and Canadian Air Forces are more than ready to take him out.” After that remark, the Senators asked many pointed questions of the general regarding his beliefs on Santa, his lack of holiday spirit, and his overall alignment with Big Christmas. Ultimately, the general returned to the Cheyenne Mountain command post undeterred in his view of Santa. Several NORAD watchers believe the General Maddis ordered combat aircraft from the US Air Force to eliminate Santa in the skies over North America and then covered it up. Children around the world reported fewer presents and many uneaten Santa cookies this year. Congress has scheduled further hearings.
A man going by the name of “Santa Claus” was caught breaking into a house in Midville, NJ. He was spotted on several rooftops in the city by the Midville police officers on patrol, who called for the SWAT team to apprehend the suspect. Patrol officers continued to follow and observe him on multiple rooftops across the city. The suspect was seen entering houses via the roof through chimneys and through “other means” according to the arrest report. The SWAT teams were never able to arrive before the suspect escaped, confusing and frustrating the patrol officers on scene. Undeterred, the SWAT officers set a trap by staking out the unburglarized home of “Emily Thomas” (name withheld for privacy reasons), a child known to be on the “Nice List”. The suspect was spotted on Miss Thomas's roof with an “unconventional vehicle” and collection of animals while officers waited inside the home to capture and arrest the holiday-dressed suspect. Upon breaking into the home, the officers attempted to arrest the Mr. Claus. However, he was able to keep the officers away by swinging a large cloth bag he was carrying, which contained boxed and gift wrapped items. Several officers used their tasers to subdue the suspect and place him under arrest. The county highway department sent over a crane to remove the vehicle, and animal control was on the scene to collect the wild animals from the roof. The police chief hailed his officers as heroes leading the fight against crime. He called the operation and eventual arrest of the suspect a “Christmas Miracle”. Santa Claus, whose known aliases include “Saint Nicholas”, “Father Christmas”, “Sinterklaas”, and “Your Basic Mall Santa”, pleaded not guilty to the charges of breaking and entering and resisting arrest. Bail was set at $10,000 and paid by a “Mrs. Claus”.
A US Navy Tiger cruise went awry over the Christmas holiday when a fifteen-year temporarily took command of the USS Gerald R. Ford, a $13B aircraft carrier, as it made its way from Norfolk, Virginia. The Tiger cruise is a tradition in the US Navy that allows civilians to join service members on a sea-going voyage. Johnny Volkmeer, son of Petty Officer Second Class Brian Volkmeer, upset by being denied tater tots for dinner on Friday, led a revolt with other teenagers aboard the cruise early in the morning on Saturday. The group of kids surprised and overwhelmed the watch officers taking control of the navigation, engineering, and the combat stations. Volkmeer met with Captain Jerald Smith and listed his demands for tater tots at every meal for the rest of the cruise. The captain agreed to those terms with the safe release of the officers and sailors captured and held. The cruise will continue as scheduled. Captain Smith has stepped up security for the remainder of the cruise and is re-evaluating security procedures. Admiral Chester, Commander in Chief of the Atlantic Fleet is considering a recommendation to the US Naval Academy for Johnny Volkmeer based on early reports of his small-group leadership and tactical brilliance shown during the mutiny. The Naval Criminal Investigation Service has launched an investigation.
Yuvgani, the well-known high-end jewelry retailer, will remain open from 5AM on Christmas Eve all the way through 8PM on Christmas Day. These new longer and torturous hours this year are a response to the previous year's desperate voicemails and panicked customer calls that arrived after the stores were closed. Sensing an opportunity to financially exploit the desperation of last minute shoppers, to screw over those that made big mistakes with loved ones during the dwindling holiday hours, and to weed out less faithful employees through extreme work stress and disappointed families, Yuvgani stores will be there, open and ready to take their customers' money and spoil the holidays for their employees. Mediocre gift wrapping services for all purchases is free. Fancy gift wrap costs surprisingly more. The company is also only offering sales incentives if customers purchase more than three items. Yuvgani employees are not thrilled with the extended holiday hours and many filed complaints with the company's human resources department. The company's CEO, Thomas John-Smythe III, has offered higher holiday pay, sales bonuses, and free and endless mall Cinnabons to any employee working during the holidays.
Researchers at New Mexico Tech are developing a series of bird drones to better understand wildlife by emulating the movement of birds. The researchers have used the bodies and wings of real birds to create drones. Supporters of the “Birds Aren't Real” campaign to stop bird-based surveillance by the US government have pointed to the research as evidence that the government can and has killed billions of real birds and replaced them with bird-like surveillance drones to spy on Americans. The bird drones created by the researchers have been primarily focused on the energy-efficient flight and the natural look of the drones in order to surreptitiously study wildlife and protect it from more dangerous drones with loud spinning propellers. Peter McIndoe, spokesperson for Birds Aren't Real, touted the research as vindication to his group's efforts to bring attention to the real threat of continuous surveillance through bird robots controlled by the US Central Intelligence Agency (CIA). The New Mexico Tech research group may have stumbled upon and unintentionally recreated work started at the CIA in early 1960s during the initial phases of the program when the first robotic birds were assembled and deployed. Sources within the intelligence community have indicated that the CIA robot birds have been programmed to closely monitor the New Mexico Tech researchers and to destroy any of their drones on sight.
Michael Bolton, singer, songwriter, and famously described as a “no talent assclown” was arraigned at the International Criminal Court (ICC) in The Hague to face charges of Crimes Against Humanity, specifically Article 7 of the Rome Statute. Bolton's 1991 cover of Percy Sledge's “When a Man Loves a Woman” reached number 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart and an estimated 3.2 million people died from repeatedly listening to that song. Takotsubo Syndrome, or Broken Heart Syndrome, was the primary of those deaths according to investigators, pathologists, and forensics experts. Prosecutors at the ICC have spent more than two decades building the case against Bolton, and they believe that they have specific evidence pointing to criminal intent on the part of Bolton. Lawyers for Bolton are planning a vigorous defense and will use the singer's charitable activities, many character witnesses, and his catalog of less lethal songs as evidence. On Monday, Bolton entered a not guilty plea in front of the court. Today, several music reviewers republished their original 1991 negative reviews of the “Time, Love & Tenderness” album and denounced the singer for his callous and reckless song choice. Several radio stations played the album as a tribute to those that died, triggering a new wave of death.
Micah Strong, CEO of Endosight, announced his company’s new breakthrough in endoscopic medical technology today in a press conference. Using machine learning and industrial robotics, Strong’s company has a new device for endoscopic procedures used by internal medicine doctors and gastroenterologists to explore and diagnose medical conditions in the lower intestine. The Lower GI Pro Endoscope Mark III is a clear turning point in patient comfort and efficiency in the exploratory and diagnostic process. The previous Mark II endoscope was plagued with problems and subsequent lawsuits from doctors and patients that were injured or killed using that product. Strong indicated that the problems with the Mark II have been corrected and that he expects many fewer deaths and injury using the Mark III. He pointed to the new ChatGPT interface, image recognition machine learning system, and larger industrial robot arm with the Mark III product. Medical product safety advocates warn that Endosight continues to build unsafe products that will likely kill or injury hundreds to thousands of patients each year. The FDA has already approved the new product for use. Mr. Strong also hinted at new medical products coming soon to replace the doctor and associated staff, allowing large hospital systems to eliminate expensive and pesky humans with complex automated systems providing more cost-efficient, faster, and less empathetic healthcare services. Human trials should are scheduled to start soon.
Tesla's new line of all-electric police cruisers offer police departments many advantages in terms of fuel savings, speed, safety, advanced technologies, lower maintenance and operating costs, and attracting new officers due to the “cool factor”. However, some of these technological advantages are being used by captured suspects to their advantage. Tesla added new technologies for their police cruisers not available to normal Tesla owners, including a voice command system, Full Self-Driving, Perpetrator Pursuit Mode, PIT Maneuver Maker, Swarm and Attack Mode, Dashboard Camera Simulated Failure Mode, Backseat Confession Monitor, and the External Baton Dispenser. Unfortunately, handcuffed suspects in the back of the Tesla police cruisers have been able to use the voice control and engage the full self-driving mode to escape while officers are not in the vehicle. Two suspects in Smithville, Arkansas were able to escape by verbally giving the car an address and then calling their criminal associates for assistance. They remain on the loose. Police departments with the new cruisers have issued instructions to officers to not leave anyone in the back seat unattended. Tesla has resisted calls for a recall to correct these issues explaining that technological progress can only be made when advanced technology is widely available. Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla, took to X to tweet an insult about cops loving donuts and then a claim that members of the New World Order are using police departments to create a police state.