On Tuesday, the Unsinkable II, a luxury yacht owned by Marcus Thays who is heir to the Toberlone family fortune, was sunk off the coast of Morocco. The sinking was caused by a pod of orcas—killer whales. The naturally masked and highly organized gang of anarchists from the criminal side of the dolphin family attacked the yacht under cover of darkness using their black pigmentation to hide their approach. The pod of perpetrators broke the rudder and pierced the hull causing flooding which doomed the yacht to the briny deep. One orca was seen wearing a large 99% t-shirt. This sinking is only one of at least 532 incidents this year in which orcas attacked, damaged, or destroyed yachts and sailboats owned by wealthy individuals. The Orca Behavior Institute stated that this attack, and many others like it, are clear indicators that orcas have changed tactics and are pursuing a more aggressive position against social and economic inequality. Members of the Occupy Movement celebrated the sinking and urged the orcas to continue the fight for economic justice. The US Coast Guard and the FBI formed a new Joint Terrorism Task Force to gather and share intelligence on the Occupy-affiliated orcas. In a press conference, the President spoke of his support for the goals of the orca occupiers but condemned the wanton destruction of property.
While some people want to ban or restrict access to books based on Christian nationalist political views, several new groups seek literary reform by removing access to cookbooks. A strangely named organization known as “Progressives for Library Organization” or just the “PLO” has funded and organized national book-banning programs targeting cookbooks, specifically ethnic food cookbooks. In 2023, they successfully organized 3,458 cookbook bans directed at 598 different cookbooks. PEN America, a literary human rights organization, has labeled the PLO as a book extremist organization bent on the elimination of free expression in food and focused on a fundamentalist North American diet ideology. Another extremist cookbook banning group called the “Make America Gluttons Again”, has also seen similar banning success in at least twelve Southern states. Their primary efforts have been the promotion of Southern-style fried foods cookbooks and restrictions against all other types of cookbooks. The FBI has testified on the dangers of these cookbook extremist groups before Congressional hearings focused on school lunch programs. The National Endowment for the Humanities and the Department of Homeland Security have created a Cookbook Ban Fusion Center to share cookbook ban-related threat information. The President has expressed concern that these extremist groups will next target Taco Tuesdays.
In a study published in the Annals of Internal Medicine, twice weekly practice of Tai chi was found to boost the memory of older adults. Most adults in their seventies experience some measurable amount of cognitive decline. The participants in the study took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment, which measures a subject's cognitive function. The study found that those who practiced Tai chi a few times each week improved their score by 10 points on average—but only for telephone numbers. All of the older adults grew up in an era where telephone numbers had to be remembered, written down, or looked up in a phone book, which was an ancient paperback book containing tens of thousands of telephone numbers for people and businesses in a specific area. As smartphones managed contact information for users, the need to remember phone numbers went away. Most smartphone users report the inability to remember any phone numbers, especially their own. However, the older adults in the study were able to remember telephone numbers from their youth, numbers that have long been reassigned to others. The study authors also noted that after each Tai chi session the septuagenarians sat around and recalled old phone numbers and told stories about the telephone numbers of their past friends and lovers. No other cognitive improvements were uncovered in the study. The National Institutes of Health continue to claim that Tai chi is rubbish and that everyone should practice Krav Maga instead. Big Tech applauded the study's findings, but then they canceled all afternoon Tai chi sessions in their courtyards to study this new threat to the smartphone market.
For hundreds of years the pumpkin has had a recognizable shape. Even though there are many varieties of pumpkins, they all have that unique shape—a pumpkin shape. Now, science has made it possible to change that shape. Using genetic engineering technology known as CRISPR gene-editing, Pumpkin Specialties, Inc. of Morton, Illinois has developed techniques that will allow them to precisely grow pumpkins to a defined configuration. In the near future, pumpkins may look very different and come in pyramid, conical, cylindrical, cubical, or even small stellated dodecahedron shapes. Besides the novelty of having pumpkins that aren’t shaped like pumpkins, there are many possibilities that extend the usefulness of pumpkins. First, stacking and storing pumpkins becomes much easier when they are cubical and have the same size. Retail stores can now place a large number of pumpkins on shelves instead of large bins on crowded floors. The various new shapes open new possibilities for unique and more scary Jack-O-Lantern creations. Several pumpkin chucking teams have already placed orders for pumpkins shaped like projectiles and even hollow-point pumpkins for more destruction. The National Organization of Americans Against Genetically Modified Organisms are currently protesting outside the company’s headquarters calling for the return of pumpkins to their intended purpose—to scare aware evil spirits. Pumpkin Specialties has also asked the public to vote on their favorite color for gene-edited pumpkins. So far, chartreuse is leading with 54% of the vote.
Pumpkin is a significant ingredient in the flavor of the Fall season. Pumpkin growers, processors, food makers, and large coffee sellers, known together as “Big Pumpkin”, have exerted control over the season through significant use of pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice during the season. Pumpkin pie spice specifically stands out. First, there is no pumpkin in pumpkin pie spice, which is traditionally used to add flavor to pumpkin pies. However, pumpkin pie spice, or just pumpkin spice, is also the primary ingredient of many food products and coffee drinks during the Fall. For the past sixteen years, the Pumpkin Industry has experienced rapid growth, higher sales, and record profits leaving many industry analysts to wonder how much Big Pumpkin can continue to grow. Unfortunately, a recent court case may break the stranglehold Big Pumpkin has. The dispute is over the recipe for pumpkin pie spice. While Big Pumpkin, represented by the Association of Pumpkin Products Purveyors, claims that the recipe for pumpkin pie spice is a trade secret, Pies Unlimited, a small bakery in Spokane, Washington, submitted evidence in the case that the original recipe was published in a cookbook back in 1796, thus invalidating trade secret protections. If the bakery wins the case, then any baker could create the spice independently and not have to purchase it from Big Pumpkin at inflated prices. Other spice competitors could create their versions of pumpkin pie spice without having to pay Big Pumpkin licensing fees, sign non-disclosure agreements, or hand over royalties. The ruling is expected in January, allowing Big Pumpkin to perhaps savor its final year of higher profits. Other cases and investigations against Big Pumpkin are still underway. The Federal Trade Commission is close to filing its landmark antitrust case in Federal Court.
A new report from the Institute for Fair Foods shows the outsized influence the Pumpkin Industry has over the lives of North American consumers. Pumpkin growers, processors, festivals, spice and food makers, and retail coffee companies, known collectively as “Big Pumpkin”, have increased pumpkin and pumpkin spice consumption every year for the last sixteen years. The producers of pumpkin and pumpkin pie spice products continue to see record profits each Fall season as they add pumpkin spice or dye their products orange during the Fall. The cost for pumpkin spice versions of products adds an average of a 34% price premium over the regular products. Pumpkin orange-colored products sell 56% more than standard color products. The report also highlighted the advertising budget for pumpkin-related products is 128% higher in the Fall than at any other time of the year. The US Food and Drug Administration recommends no more than 1000 mg of pumpkin pie spice per day, yet more Americans consume four times that amount, leading to a variety of chronic health problems. The color additives used to create pumpkin orange products, such as red 40, yellow 5, and yellow 6, may be banned by the FDA for turning children an orange hue. The Federal Trade Commission has opened an investigation into price fixing, collusion, and other anti-competitive practices of Big Pumpkin. A spokesperson for the Association of Pumpkin Products Purveyors handed out Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Lattes before railing against the overreach from Federal agencies. Big Pumpkin has hired a legislative lobbying firm to change the season name from “Fall” to “Pumpkin” and to make November 15 a federally recognized holiday named “Pumpkin Appreciation Day”.
Pumpkins are normally hardy crops that are resistant to most adverse weather and pests. However, increasing rainfall over the past decade due to climate change has led to a decrease in the number of viable pumpkins due to black rot. Pumpkins affected with black rot look scarier than many of the faces and images normally carved into them during Halloween. Didymella bryonaie, the fungus that causes black rot, has evolved and become resistant to current agriculture fungicides. Wind and rain leads to the spread of spores from the fungus that can quickly affect an entire field and propagate to neighboring fields. Farmers continue to battle Didymella bryonaie, but they are slowly losing the war. The US Department of Agriculture's Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service (APHIS) issued a report today projecting the eventual end of US pumpkin production in twelve to fifteen years without a solution to the unfolding fungus crisis in America's pumpkin patches. The Thanksgiving Association of America issued a dire warning that the Thanksgiving holiday, traditions, and the subsequent spirit of thanksgiving will also end with the collapse of pumkin crops, the lack of pumpkin pie, and pumpkin-themed fall decorations. The President issued Executive Order 15021 to focus research and development across Federal agencies and agricultural industry partners to protect the Fall Season and to strengthen America's resolve to save pumpkins for future generations.
Competitors in this year's Punkin Chunkin Challenge in Clayton, New York, came to demonstrate the capabilities of their pumpkin projectile devices. Pumpkin Chucking or “punkin chunkin” is a sport based on launching pumpkins great distances using a variety of devices, such as air cannons, trebuchets, or catapults. Winners of the contest propel their pumpkins the furthest distance. However, their technical prowess in the art of hurling pumpkins led to significant destruction beyond the firing range. Jim Fellows of Ohio and his “Master Blaster” air cannon fired a fifteen-pound pumpkin 7,239 feet, setting a record and putting a hole in the roof of the Lawrence family's home, as well as destroying their living room with pumpkin shrapnel. Arjun Agarwal, of New Delhi, India, launched a 25-pound pumpkin with a large trebuchet named “Gandhi's Revenge” 7,243 feet to shatter that short-lived record and the inside of a Tom Michaels's Jaguar F-Type. A second shot from Master Blaster cratered the back yard of the Watson home but failed to set a record. Other damage recorded from the event includes a much larger pothole at the corner of 3rd Street and Smith Drive, a new “skylight” for little July Highsmith's bedroom, and the collapse of a pergola near the pool at the George house. Organizers of the event claim their event insurance will cover the damage caused. The city of Clayton has asked the that event be held somewhere else next year.
The normally wholesome Halloween season has been plagued by a rash of thefts. Carved pumpkins, or “jack-o’-lanterns”, are being stolen at a terrifying rate. Porch pirates that once preyed on Amazon.com packages are now setting their sights on these seasonal evil spirit deterrents. Police in many cities have reported thousands of thefts have occurred since the middle October. Several anonymous tips to the Grand Rapids Police Department in Michigan led to a late evening warehouse raid and the arrest of a gang of jack-o’-lantern thieves, which included 32 people. There were 3,124 stolen jack-o’-lanterns found at the scene. The FBI issued an urgent notice to police departments across the U.S. regarding the increase in pumpkin-related crime. The Bureau of Occult Management has investigated the stolen jack-o’-lantern trade for signs of the occult or their use in necromancy, but so far no otherworldly links have been discovered. Sheila Starkey, age 7, of Iowa City, Iowa has offered her own reward of $100 for information leading to the return of her prized jack-o’-lanterns, including one named “Faelen the Fearless” created to scare off her crazy dead uncle’s evil spirit. The FBI also announced that next year’s annual Uniform Crime Report, which shows national crime statistics in the U.S., will include data on “jack-o’-lantern theft” as a new crime category.
As Thanksgiving draws closer, concerns about the rising costs of the holiday meal has many Americans questioning whether they will be able to afford their pumpkin pies. Libby’s, the top producer of canned pumpkin in the US, warned that pumpkin harvesting has been challenging this year due to significant rainfall in the Midwest. Many pumpkin fields are flooded and equipment is getting stuck. The added moisture has also increased fungus growth, spoiling most of the pumpkins harvested. The shortage of pumpkin has lead to a sharp increase in canned pumpkin prices. The President, already focused on his re-election bid, has heard the panicked call of voters and has authorized the release of canned pumpkin from the Strategic Pumpkin Reserve. The US Department of Agriculture maintains the emergency reserve to provide more supply when needed and to stabilize pumpkin prices during periods of emergency. Congress created the Strategic Pumpkin Reserve after the pumpkin price shocks in the Fall of 2009 when similar harvest troubles caused a shortage of canned pumpkin and left many Thanksgiving meals in ruins.