In an effort to subsidize the costs of holding the Iowa caucuses, the Iowa Republican Party partnered with the Iowa Fast Food Restaurateurs Association to hold the Iowa Fast Food caucuses simultaneously with the Iowa Republican caucuses. In addition to intense discussions on candidates, counting up alleged crimes committed by candidates, and ultimately selecting candidates based on popularity rather than fitness for office or potential years in prison, the discussions will also include a round of discussions, taste-testing, shouting matches over how fries should be cut, and the selection of fast food favorites. Arby's, with its “We have the Meats!” campaign, is expected to lead the Republican pack with a thirst for meaty options. Panera Bread, the fast casual yet somewhat snooty bagel place, has launched a new menu item to curry favor with Iowans. The “Corn Chowder Bowl” was released ahead of the caucuses and is an Iowa corn-based thick soup with a mix of cheese, potatoes, and Iowa corn-fed beef served in a bread bowl. Shake Shack, a New York City based restaurant is an unlikely contender as it has no restaurants in Iowa, and it is from the Democrat-ruined safe haven city of New York, has increased its efforts to at least place high in the rankings. Shake Shack assembled several kitchens and flew in its best chefs and managers for the taste tests. All the restaurants are attempting to make their actual food look more like their advertising. Some are even resorting to increasing their wages to attract high-end chefs seeking a career change.
After multiple attacks on Houthi-controlled territory in Yemen under Operation Prosperity Guardian, which was almost called “Operation Protect Floating Capitalism”, Houthi forces were left with no working weapons systems or ammunition. Undeterred and still waiting on the next shipment from Iran, the Houthi leadership turned to Yemen's fifth-largest export as a new, unexpected, and potentially lethal weapon—non-fillet frozen fish. Yemen exports both fresh and frozen fish, but frozen fish were found to be more lethal after some backyard experimentation. The Houthis have long used fish as a method of torture for years. Fresh fish are good for extracting information. Frozen fish are better for covering up war crimes as a confounding and disgusting accident scene. Taking a play from the Ukrainian Army which used US-supplied frozen turkeys as projectiles against Russian tanks with devastating results, the Houthi rebels are building several fish-based launch systems, such as trebuchets, ballistas, large crossbows, canons, and even a primitive rail gun. Frozen fish are generally more aerodynamic in flight than frozen turkeys, so the Houthis expect to be able to accurately target ships at sea. The US Department of Defense announced that it was analyzing the threat from these new weapons but stated that they have no defensive weapons system designed to counter frozen fish projectiles. Satellite intel shows increased fishing activity in the Gulf of Aden by Yemeni-flagged vessels. The Central Intelligence Agency believes that the Houthis will have enough frozen fish ammunition stockpiled and new weapons systems ready in the next two weeks.
After more than 50 dogs have mysteriously gone missing from the Gladys Maria Shrine Memorial Dog Park in Cleveland, the parks department, under the direction of city hall leadership, closed the park permanently. Owners of the missing pooches have filed complaints with the city to stop the closure. They believe that their doggies are still alive and roaming the dog park. The dogs are not visible, or exist in a different dimension. Even though the park is empty now, the missing can still be heard playing there. The Cleveland Police and several scientists, religious leaders, and even Cesar Millan have not been able to return the dogs or even explain their disappearance or non-existence. Several dog owners had GPS trackers on their dogs, which still show their dogs inside the dog park fence. Cleveland City Hall insiders report that local mob boss Rudy “Lead Pipe” Castellano made a deal with the city to purchase the dog park property for a below-market price and turn it into a never-ending construction site to launder money and as a final resting place for enemies of the crime family. Apparently, Mr. Castellano believes that any property where dogs “disappear” but can't be found is a good place to “disappear” people without leaving behind bodies where someone could be charged with murder. The dog owners have sued the city to return their dogs and plan to sue the new property owners as well. Mr. Castellano's consigliere, Paul “The Knife” Tieri, suggested in no uncertain terms that might not be a good idea.
Record-breaking cold weather continued over the weekend and is expected to last through the week. The US Department of Defense is preparing for an invasion from the North. Just as the polar vortex from Canada moves into the US, Canadian Armed Forces are believed to follow it. Under the cover of extreme weather, the Canadian soldiers are expected to overwhelm American forces in a military operation code named “Operation Rolling Winter”, a combined Royal Canadian Air Force and Canadian Army operation that moves with the extreme winter weather to obscure their movement and strikes. The Royal Canadian Navy will simultaneously blockade US East Coast ports and launch attacks from the Great Lakes on Chicago, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Detroit, and Buffalo crippling American industry. While Americans are huddled around their fireplaces, electric space heaters, and crypto-mining rigs, the Canadian soldiers will quickly overrun cities and towns, apologizing as they go. The Canadians will are expected to halt and hold their territorial gains after capturing Denver, Kansas City, Indianapolis, and Columbus. Military strategists believe that the Canadian Armed Forces are more than capable of this advanced operation, especially using their winterized equipment and superior cold weather military training. Their ultimate objective is to capture more land far enough South for vacations in warmer areas. The commander-in-chief of the Canadian Armed Forces, King Charles III of the UK and Canada, was briefed on the plan this past summer and green-lit the operation to proceed in the fall given the tempestuous state relations between the USA and Canada.
The war between Russian and Ukraine will enter its tenth year soon with little evidence that hostilities are near the end. The US and NATO nations continue to supply the Ukrainian military with advanced weaponry and training. The US military will soon provide another several billion dollars worth of weapons and ammunition. Aid has also come from several independent organizations as well. In an announcement today, the Sleep Number Bed Company is sending electrically adjustable bed frames and memory-foam mattresses to Ukrainian troops to help in their sleep comfort. “A well-rested soldier is an effective solder,” said the Sleep Number CEO, retired Lt. General Kevin Smalls. The company has more than 100 beds en route, with more than a 1,000 more in the process of packing and shipping. When asked about the beds and their suitability in combat zones, General Smalls only indicated that frames can be powered from generators and even batteries if needed. A Ukrainian Military spokesperson thanked the company for the beds and requested that they be painted in a camouflage color scheme for the battlefield and that the company also send along the appropriate power plug adapters.
The US Space Force announced today a mission to protect the Artemis 3 lunar landing in 2026 by deploying defense systems and military forces in advance. Using a phased deployment, several launches to the Moon will deliver and deploy surveillance and defensive equipment, a lunar habitat for Space Force personnel, and then actual Space Force troops. The need for this extended mission to the Moon is based on military intelligence analysis exposing China's planned lunar missions and goals to create a lunar supply chain dependency for astronauts on the Moon—China plans to offer cheap manufactured goods for the American lunar market. The Space Force will launch the first set of surveillance systems to the Moon next week, with additional launches to follow next month. Sections of the lunar habitat will launch in early 2025. In late 2025, a specially trained detachment of lunar soldiers will transit to the Moon and begin lunar battle training. This deployment of forces to the Moon is intended to operate as a deterrent to China and India lunar interests. When Artemis 3 lands in 2026, it will be under the protection of the US Space Force. While NASA and the US Space Force have a memorandum of understanding establishing clear boundaries and missions, NASA has argued that this Space Force mission is unnecessary and costly. NASA also whined that it wanted to be first to the Moon (again) and that the Space Force will make them look bad. The United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs has lodged a formal protest against the US deployment of armed forces and equipment on the Moon as a violation of the Outer Space Treaty. The United States Ambassador to the United Nations vetoed a sanctions resolution against the US in the UN Security Council.
NASA's Moon mission launch dates have been pushed back a year. The delay is needed to address new challenges as fashion designers create haute couture space garments to NASA specifications. The first crewed launch test flight, Artemis II, will be the red carpet event of the fall space fashion line. NASA, in partnership with Michael Kors, is planning the first space-oriented fashion week prior to launch at the Kennedy Space Center in Florida, establishing KSC as the next fashion capital. Several sports and fashion brands are still competing to win lucrative NASA contracts. Nike and Under Armor are in the final selection for astronaut underwear and daily wear fashions. Coach and Hugo Boss are both struggling to meet the basic space flight requirements, though fashion critics have classified their initial space suit lines as “stunning” and NASA test engineers have sent urgent reports stating that the suits are “itchy, leaky, movement constraining, prone to catastrophic failure, and deadly”. The Lunar Gateway space station design has also been updated to include a new runway to showcase new space fashions from regular astronauts to supermodel-nauts during future fashion week events. Magnetic boots will be incorporated into show to keep the models on the runway, requiring new crew training to master turns, struts, and basic walking in zero-gravity.
The Pentagon has been tight-lipped on the brief disappearance of the Secretary of Defense. Sources inside the Pentagon indicate that the Secretary's hospital stay was needed after the Secretary disappeared from his office for a period of four hours. A thorough search of the Pentagon and surveillance systems could not locate the Secretary. The Deputy Secretary of Defense placed the Pentagon at DEFCON 4 out an abundance of caution while the search continued. After missing multiple budget meetings, the Secretary was discovered in a locked room in the basement of the “E” ring. He could not recall how he ended up in the basement or why he was naked. The Secretary was thankfully for missing those budget meetings though and was quickly taken to Walter Reed Army Medical Center and examined. The Secretary complained of unfamiliar voices in his head and the ability to see through walls. Doctors could find nothing from multiple MRIs, X-Rays, PET scans, lab tests, colonoscopies, prostate exams, and body cavity searches. The Secretary joked that the doctors examined him more thoroughly than the gray aliens did. Out of a further abundance of caution, the Secretary was placed in a padded room in the psychiatric wing and monitored continuously. The DoD press office concocted a prostate cancer story to explain his absence and placement in the hospital. The Pentagon Press Association criticized the lack of transparency as an outrage and vowed to ask even harder questions in the next press conference. The Secretary is back to work today, but the FBI is closely monitoring his movements.
In a stunning move, the Navajo Nation launched a full-scale public relations attack on NASA over its lack of oversight on a private space mission to send the cremated remains of people to the moon. The dispute involves the Navajo Nation's property rights over the moon as part of its religious ceremonies and claims that the moon is an extension of their reservation land. The human remains onboard include struggling writers like Gene Roddenberry and Sir Arthur C. Clark. While the Bureau of Indian Affairs denies there is a Navajo Nation moon reservation, NASA seriously considered denying the inclusion of the remains on the launch to avoid upsetting the politically powerful and nuclear-armed Navajo Nation. Observers of the Navajo Nation point to the Treaty of Bosque Redondo, which ended the Navajo Wars, established the Navajo Nation, and allowed for religious claims over the moon. In 1868 when the treaty was signed, NASA was only in its infancy and struggling to replicate bird-like flight with human-powered wings and building large paper airplanes and kites. Getting off the ground was hard. Going to the moon was not on the strategic road-map yet. The Navajo Nation's Intracontinental Ballistic Missile, the ShiprockX (developed in partnership with SpaceX), has sufficient range to deliver multiple independent nuclear warheads to any of the NASA facilities in the US. The National Chief of the Assembly of First Nations in Canada has offered to mediate the crisis.
Brendan Richards, Biden's opponent in the Presidential race, has fired his first legal salvo in the race. His party filed a legal challenge in the state of Indiana seeking to bar Biden from the presidential race due to his advanced age and membership in the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), a known militant group of elderly individuals which advocates for the increase in working young people to pay for their Social Security. While the US Constitution does not define an upper age on the Presidency, the fourteenth amendment allows for disqualification for insurrection or rebellion. AARP leadership has been investigated by the FBI but not been formally indicted for insurrection yet. However, many AARP leaders have been vocal and instrumental in inciting violence against elected representatives and the federal government. In a lawsuit filed in the Southern District of Indiana, Biden is listed as unindicted co-conspirator in “advocating mandatory and unfair labor practices on younger workers to forcibly increase tax revenues for benefit of the elderly elite and their unwavering commitment to the accumulation of wealth.” Since no militant actions or incitement to violence have been directly traced to the President, this filing will likely be thrown out immediately, but it will likely cause younger and independent voters to reconsider their choice. The AARP held a press conference to dispute the accusations made in the lawsuit. AARP leadership attempted to distance the organization from a splinter group of hostile retirees from the prepper community, known as the “Senescent Survivors”. That group believes in “Senior Replacement Theory”, a theory that younger people will eventually replace older people. At their raucous survivor rallies, members can be seen with their walkers, comfy slippers, and Walmart tiki torches and heard chanting, “You will eventually replace us!”.